Post by Nightkit on Aug 15, 2010 23:04:52 GMT -6
The Only Thing Worse Then Beating A Dead Horse, Is Betting On One
"Cancer?"
"Yes, cancer. It's terminal."
"But, she's so young-"
"God does not discriminate, and neither does cancer. I'm sorry."
"It's not me who you should say sorry too."
Their voices echo through my ears.
All I can do is sit, head in hands, tears flowing freely. I know she's just on the other side of the wall. Just feet away from my reach. The doctor won't let me see her though. She needs to rest, so I'll let her rest.
I wonder to myself, is she dreaming? Or trapped in a nightmare? I want to check. I want to be by her side. I want to protect her from all of the pain she's going through. I want her to be safe.
I know I can do none of these things. Her time is cut short. It's no one fault, but I can only find blame in myself.
I blame myself for not making her life everything it could be. Not making her the happiest she ever could be. For not protecting her in her times of need.
"Son? It's time to leave."
My fathers voice breaks my thoughts. I look up at him for only a moment, his soft brown eyes filled with the thing I despise.
Pity.
I shake my head quickly.
"No, I'm staying here. I refuse to leave her."
He kneels down, to look my in the eye.
"We have to go, there's nothing you can do."
I turn my head away from him. No. I won't leave her.
I need to be with her in her last moments. It's the last thing I can do for her. I'll do it the best I can.
He bites his lip for a moment.
"I'll be back in an hour to pick you up."
He stands up, and walks away, leaving me without the chance to protest.
An hour isn't nearly long enough.
I'm standing outside of her door. The doctor is no longer there to stop me. I must see her. One last time.
My hand rests on the handle, and I turn it slowly.
With a simple push, the door slowly slides open. I see her laying there. Quiet, peaceful, sleeping. I step to her side slowly, looking down at her sleeping body.
My eyes glance over her face. Her beautiful hazel eyes, closed. Under them, is the bags of restless nights scarred upon her face. Her skin, pale. Not the soft peach color it was before.
This isn't living. It's dying. It's slow.
It's becoming too much for me, I turn to walk away, when I hear something.
A small muffled voice. Hoarse, but unmistakable.
"Don't leave me."
I turn back around, and see her eyes weakly held open. I kneel down beside her and take her hand in mine.
"I'm not going anywhere."
A small smile creeps it's way across her face.
Her eyes slowly droop once more.
Her hand goes limp in mine.
Everything else around me is dulled and blurry. For a moment in time, it is just me and her.
The loud fast beeping slips by my ears unnoticed.
The only thing I hear, is her small, soft, last breath leave her lips.
Then, I wake up. I'm home, in my bed, face covered in tears. I was crying in my sleep.
It takes me a moment to get my bearings, and it all hits me like a rock.
None of that happened.
I was never there for her last breath.
Two hours after my father brought me home from the hospital, the cancer took it's final strike, and she passed away.
Alone.
I wasn't there for her in her last moments.
I'll never be there for her again.
No matter what I do.
I can only sit, and mourn.
Something I do so well.
