Post by Shadefrost on Jan 25, 2011 14:25:29 GMT -6
This is kind of a random story that I wrote because of a dream and a song. It's unedited and probably incredibly bad (It's really only a drabble), but I'd thought I'd share it. PLEASE, I need constructive critiscism. Critiscise every little thing! Every detail!
There are some words that are supposed to be italicized or bolded, but I'm too lazy to recode it in BBC, so those will remain plain text because of my copy-and-pasting from the original document.
Anyway, pay close attention to the story. The beginning is kind of shaky, but whatever. I know the detail is a bit off and it's kind of abrupt, but I usually go through the entire story before adding that in because I'll get bored. ;3
The sky was blue. A pure, light blue that was marred only by the dark clouds looming in the distance. The clouds grew slowly, beginning to envelop the sky above.
Wynn stared in fascination at the sky, almost oblivious to the hustle and bustle of the village. Pigs squealed. Birds squawked. Someone nearby let out a shout.
“Kid, unless you want to get run over, then MOVE it!” Wynn stumbled backwards as a great black horse thundered past, with what appeared to be a nobleman on its back. The animal was huge, sturdily built, and majestic looking. Thinking back to her own scrawny gelding, Wynn cursed herself for being born into such a poor place.
Their kingdom had been overcome with famine recently. Disease spread through the area like a wave, killing humans and cattle alike. This was the apparent result of the fabled ‘twenty-year-curse’ that was set upon the King by a rather unfriendly wizard. As a result the king had died the second the wizard had become angry, and the sickness had been spread to his people as well. Most didn’t believe the tale. Wynn was neutral. She had no strong faith in witches or wizards or spells. It was pointless. Foolish, even. The child remained detached, resigned to the fact that she was born in the worst possible time period.
Everyone in the kingdom had the disease. From the moment they were born to the day they died, the citizens of the kingdom could live no more than twenty years. The day of their twentieth birthday was also their death date.
There were little to no children in the kingdom, and there were less and less people every day. Funerals and masses would be held for the deceased daily, and the soil in the graveyard- or some part of it- was always fresh. Overturned. The sight of the sobbing children and stony-faced siblings as they crowded around these mounds reminded Wynn that her time was close to ending. She was almost fifteen. In five and a half years she would be dead.
Shaken by these thoughts, the child took off in a random direction. Twisting alleys, ditches, overturned crates; she paid no heed. The girl wanted out. She needed to run.
Finally she skidded to a stop, startling several birds into flight. She sat down on the crate and banged her head on the wall. Repeatedly.
“Are you retarded or what?” a bemused voice asked. Wynn jerked around, but there was no one in sight.
“What? Who’s there? And no, I am not retarded!”
“Right here, kid.” Something black and fuzzy flashed in front of Wynn’s face, and she shrieked and fell backwards.
“Calm the hell down!” Wynn looked up. A huge black raven was tangled in some bluish netting, one wing free. It looked vaguely irritated, and not at all panicked.
“Can you get me out of here, please?”
“Why should I?” Wynn retorted. She hadn’t meant to be rude, but the appearance of a talking raven was somewhat traumatic and she wasn’t quite sure if she would be able to stay conscious throughout the experience.
“Believe it or not, I was turned this way by a wizard. I got some of his powers as a result. I’ll do one thing for you. Just let me out of here and tell me what you want.”
“Fine. Okay. Uh…” she removed the pocketknife from her pocket and began sawing at the chords, accidentally clipping a few feathers in the process. She silenced the raven’s squawks of protests, trying to ignore the fact that he apparently had some form of magic.
Finally he was free. He fell forwards, digging his claws- rather painfully- into her shoulder, then jumped down to the ground. He stood upright. From the ground he was around two feet high. “Are you a raven or an eagle?” Wynn asked, confused. He stared at her incredulously.
“Of course I’m a raven, you stupid child! I had a blessing placed on me by a powerful wizard, the same one that gave that curse to your foolish king.”
“He doesn’t exist.”
“Then what am I? A figment of your imagination? Are your really so ‘grown-up’ already that you deny the existence of a talking raven and a wizard? Don’t be a fool.”
“I’m not a fool!” Wynn protested.
“Of course you aren’t. That wizard does exist. Now, tell me, what do you want in return for your freeing me?”
“I want you to take me to the place where this wizard lives.”
There was a silence. Shock was plastered over the raven’s face, which looked much more emotional than the average bird’s.
“You CANNOT be serious!” the raven squawked, flapping his feathers as he tried to regain his balance. “This guy is way too powerful and doesn’t want to waste his time on you.”
“And I care why? Take me there. I want to meet this wizard. And I want him to remove this curse from the kingdom.”
The raven was silent. “I was heading that way anyway, so I suppose I can take you. Grab whatever horse or mount you humans have, and meet me at the wood’s edge tonight.” With that he took off, leaving Wynn behind, sitting on an overturned crate, wondering why she had suggested that.
xXxXxXx
Wynn had waited at the forest’s edge for an hour already, sitting on her mare. The horse was speckled, a bit shorter than the average height. Her coat was dull, her eyes pale. She wasn’t much to look at.
She grimaced. Did the raven lie? Had the imagined the whole thing?
She was about to turn around and go back when a whisper came from behind. “You… come here… I need help.”
Wynn turned around then fell off her horse at the sight of a huge spider, larger than her hand. It was pure white with foggy milk-colored eyes, covered with a substantial layer of fuzz. It raised one leg. “Please. Just grab my leg…”
There was a shriek and a black shadow sped overhead. The raven snatched the spider in his beak and crushed it in half, tossing it into the woods. There was a white flash and the spider was gone. Wynn blinked, trying to clear the floaters from her vision. The raven turned towards her, anger flashing in his black eyes.
“What in the name of God are you doing here, you idiot?!” he snapped. “The woods, I said. The woods!”
“These are the woods!” she protested, scrabbling back onto the mare. The raven rolled one of his glassy eyes.
“I meant Galeguard,” he spat. “When a wizard lives anywhere, he leaves an effect on the woods. Those tales of monsters that come from there? Those are because of the wizard. They’re creatures attracted to his magic. That spider was one of the worst! I got him by surprise. I was lucky!”
“Galeguard? That place is restricted!”
“So is what you’re doing. What would your parents say?”
“I don’t have any parents,” she snapped. “They’re dead. Twenty-year-curse, remember?
The raven scoffed. “Yeah, yeah. Save your pity-party for the other people in your situation. I couldn’t care less about how horrible your life has been, kid.”
Wynn bit her lip. “Fine. How do you suggest we get there?”
“Follow me!”
There's going to be a plot twist later on, and I added in hints. They're very subtle. Can you guess what the plot twist is? I'd like to see if I did a good job in covering it up.
There are some words that are supposed to be italicized or bolded, but I'm too lazy to recode it in BBC, so those will remain plain text because of my copy-and-pasting from the original document.
Anyway, pay close attention to the story. The beginning is kind of shaky, but whatever. I know the detail is a bit off and it's kind of abrupt, but I usually go through the entire story before adding that in because I'll get bored. ;3
The sky was blue. A pure, light blue that was marred only by the dark clouds looming in the distance. The clouds grew slowly, beginning to envelop the sky above.
Wynn stared in fascination at the sky, almost oblivious to the hustle and bustle of the village. Pigs squealed. Birds squawked. Someone nearby let out a shout.
“Kid, unless you want to get run over, then MOVE it!” Wynn stumbled backwards as a great black horse thundered past, with what appeared to be a nobleman on its back. The animal was huge, sturdily built, and majestic looking. Thinking back to her own scrawny gelding, Wynn cursed herself for being born into such a poor place.
Their kingdom had been overcome with famine recently. Disease spread through the area like a wave, killing humans and cattle alike. This was the apparent result of the fabled ‘twenty-year-curse’ that was set upon the King by a rather unfriendly wizard. As a result the king had died the second the wizard had become angry, and the sickness had been spread to his people as well. Most didn’t believe the tale. Wynn was neutral. She had no strong faith in witches or wizards or spells. It was pointless. Foolish, even. The child remained detached, resigned to the fact that she was born in the worst possible time period.
Everyone in the kingdom had the disease. From the moment they were born to the day they died, the citizens of the kingdom could live no more than twenty years. The day of their twentieth birthday was also their death date.
There were little to no children in the kingdom, and there were less and less people every day. Funerals and masses would be held for the deceased daily, and the soil in the graveyard- or some part of it- was always fresh. Overturned. The sight of the sobbing children and stony-faced siblings as they crowded around these mounds reminded Wynn that her time was close to ending. She was almost fifteen. In five and a half years she would be dead.
Shaken by these thoughts, the child took off in a random direction. Twisting alleys, ditches, overturned crates; she paid no heed. The girl wanted out. She needed to run.
Finally she skidded to a stop, startling several birds into flight. She sat down on the crate and banged her head on the wall. Repeatedly.
“Are you retarded or what?” a bemused voice asked. Wynn jerked around, but there was no one in sight.
“What? Who’s there? And no, I am not retarded!”
“Right here, kid.” Something black and fuzzy flashed in front of Wynn’s face, and she shrieked and fell backwards.
“Calm the hell down!” Wynn looked up. A huge black raven was tangled in some bluish netting, one wing free. It looked vaguely irritated, and not at all panicked.
“Can you get me out of here, please?”
“Why should I?” Wynn retorted. She hadn’t meant to be rude, but the appearance of a talking raven was somewhat traumatic and she wasn’t quite sure if she would be able to stay conscious throughout the experience.
“Believe it or not, I was turned this way by a wizard. I got some of his powers as a result. I’ll do one thing for you. Just let me out of here and tell me what you want.”
“Fine. Okay. Uh…” she removed the pocketknife from her pocket and began sawing at the chords, accidentally clipping a few feathers in the process. She silenced the raven’s squawks of protests, trying to ignore the fact that he apparently had some form of magic.
Finally he was free. He fell forwards, digging his claws- rather painfully- into her shoulder, then jumped down to the ground. He stood upright. From the ground he was around two feet high. “Are you a raven or an eagle?” Wynn asked, confused. He stared at her incredulously.
“Of course I’m a raven, you stupid child! I had a blessing placed on me by a powerful wizard, the same one that gave that curse to your foolish king.”
“He doesn’t exist.”
“Then what am I? A figment of your imagination? Are your really so ‘grown-up’ already that you deny the existence of a talking raven and a wizard? Don’t be a fool.”
“I’m not a fool!” Wynn protested.
“Of course you aren’t. That wizard does exist. Now, tell me, what do you want in return for your freeing me?”
“I want you to take me to the place where this wizard lives.”
There was a silence. Shock was plastered over the raven’s face, which looked much more emotional than the average bird’s.
“You CANNOT be serious!” the raven squawked, flapping his feathers as he tried to regain his balance. “This guy is way too powerful and doesn’t want to waste his time on you.”
“And I care why? Take me there. I want to meet this wizard. And I want him to remove this curse from the kingdom.”
The raven was silent. “I was heading that way anyway, so I suppose I can take you. Grab whatever horse or mount you humans have, and meet me at the wood’s edge tonight.” With that he took off, leaving Wynn behind, sitting on an overturned crate, wondering why she had suggested that.
xXxXxXx
Wynn had waited at the forest’s edge for an hour already, sitting on her mare. The horse was speckled, a bit shorter than the average height. Her coat was dull, her eyes pale. She wasn’t much to look at.
She grimaced. Did the raven lie? Had the imagined the whole thing?
She was about to turn around and go back when a whisper came from behind. “You… come here… I need help.”
Wynn turned around then fell off her horse at the sight of a huge spider, larger than her hand. It was pure white with foggy milk-colored eyes, covered with a substantial layer of fuzz. It raised one leg. “Please. Just grab my leg…”
There was a shriek and a black shadow sped overhead. The raven snatched the spider in his beak and crushed it in half, tossing it into the woods. There was a white flash and the spider was gone. Wynn blinked, trying to clear the floaters from her vision. The raven turned towards her, anger flashing in his black eyes.
“What in the name of God are you doing here, you idiot?!” he snapped. “The woods, I said. The woods!”
“These are the woods!” she protested, scrabbling back onto the mare. The raven rolled one of his glassy eyes.
“I meant Galeguard,” he spat. “When a wizard lives anywhere, he leaves an effect on the woods. Those tales of monsters that come from there? Those are because of the wizard. They’re creatures attracted to his magic. That spider was one of the worst! I got him by surprise. I was lucky!”
“Galeguard? That place is restricted!”
“So is what you’re doing. What would your parents say?”
“I don’t have any parents,” she snapped. “They’re dead. Twenty-year-curse, remember?
The raven scoffed. “Yeah, yeah. Save your pity-party for the other people in your situation. I couldn’t care less about how horrible your life has been, kid.”
Wynn bit her lip. “Fine. How do you suggest we get there?”
“Follow me!”
There's going to be a plot twist later on, and I added in hints. They're very subtle. Can you guess what the plot twist is? I'd like to see if I did a good job in covering it up.
