Lily
Kit
[Mo0:8]
Posts: 14
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Post by Lily on Feb 3, 2012 23:56:35 GMT -6
Lilykit awoke with noise around her. "What is happening?" she asked. Her mother Ivycloud replied, "Your father is missing.", her eyes filled with worry. Shadefrost glanced at his younger sister. ''Don't worry, Ivycloud. He'll be fine." Ivycloud growled, frustration growing. "Fine? He'll been fine? Are you mad? I've already lost Tailkit," Lilykit winced at her dead brother's name."and I can't bear to lose my mate...'' Ivycloud howled.
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Post by Birdshadow on Feb 4, 2012 0:00:43 GMT -6
Ivycloud doesn't have a mate, as far as I know. Also, queens aren't allowed to have set mates. And Shadefrost is female, as a side note.
As a critique, the writing is good, but the chapter is a bit short. And try to use paragraphs.
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Post by Redstorm on Feb 4, 2012 0:31:15 GMT -6
Meh, Sparrowfur has a mate. And no, Ivycloud has no actual mate. Even if this is a story, it would be better if it had true facts.
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Lily
Kit
[Mo0:8]
Posts: 14
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Post by Lily on Feb 4, 2012 0:51:53 GMT -6
sorry i'm just making this all up
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