Insomnia [p]

[Willowspirit]

"You don't make any sense, Brightpaw, and you aren't being rational." Willowpaw sighed, exasperated. Brightpaw's 'crazy' new attitude was just annoying, and she didn't appreciate how hypocritical. "Yes, I responded poorly to a poor reaction from you when we were kits. We were kits, Brightpaw."

"You think I get riled up easily? You're the one who started this argument, you attacked me when I was trying to mend our relationship. Why did you get so mad, when I had done nothing to provoke you? The only thing that makes sense is that you wanted to start a fight." Willowpaw took deep breathes, and fixed her composure, giving her words and icy chill to them.


"What is the 'truth of myself', Brightpaw, hmm? How did I 'blow' our chances of being friends? Try answering without using empty insults this time."

[Adaline]

((asdfghjkl; i weep over the damage that's been done to my poor angst-daughter ;3; also if you're being confused by what brightpaw is spewing don't worry i am too im not really too sure what she's trying to say tbh

Brightpaw yawned at this. Half from legitimate exhaustion, half because she was trying to seem bored. Rather genuinely, given there was a grain of truth in that action. "Uh huh. Maybe you just don't understand what I'm saying." Her own crazy attitude... Was due to some of her rather shaky mental state. Honestly, this crueler behavior of her's drastically contrasted with who she'd been at the start. She was wildly swinging between her natural awkward, but kind-hearted self, to her despondent professional behavior around most, and her straight up hostile attitude towards any and all family members. It didn't exactly make for a stable mind.

She tilted her head, and didn't say anything for a moment. "... Maybe I'm just expecting a fight." She snorted. "Why shouldn't I expect a fight? It's not like our family actually cares about one another." Then she mock gasped. "Oh, were you thinking we could reconcile and things would be all sunshines and rainbows between us?" She asked in a falsely sweet tone. 

Then she flattened her ears. "Oh, maybe because you started biting my head off right at the start?! I wasn't trying to offend you! I didn't know you had to respond to not offend people!" She growled. "I actually thought saying nothing had the same effect as saying no!" She huffed and looked away. ".... I thought you might be nice. I thought you'd be better than Aloekit. But you just... You didn't want to talk then. You told me I wouldn't understand, but..." Her green eyes were hard, masking the pain she felt at all these estranged, broken family relationships. "Now you want to talk? You suddenly discovered that maybe using your words was the right choice? Don't make me laugh." She turned around and sat down, hunching over. "We might be family, but that doesn't mean anything. It never did."

[Willowspirit]

((..yikes. this is going terribly, especially considering how alike they are ;A; also i don't mean psychical fights/attacking, i mean verbally.))

"How many times do I need to remind you that that was when we were kits? I was impatient, and I was hungry, and yes, I was rude. Now we're apprentices, with more understanding of how our words and actions affect each other. Now, what's your excuse for being nasty to me when I was trying to make up for how I acted as a kit? A kit, Brightpaw. I was learning, we all were."

Willowpaw sighed again, tired of this. She hated how Brightpaw was treating her, she hated that she saw this all as some kind of joke, and was completely ignoring all of her reasonable arguments. It was awful to think that a bad conversation from her kithood was going to dictate the entire rest of her relationship with someone, it wasn't fair.

"I understand that you didn't know any better because you were a kit. Why can't you do the same for me? Brightpaw, please. If family doesn't mean anything, then you don't have any need to hate me simply because we're blood, and because we were both rude to each other as kits." At least no one could say that Willowpaw didn't try to make things better.


((maybe there's still hope..?))

[Adaline]

((Yeah... Almondpaw and Aloekit did a lot of damage to Brightpaw... It's going to take a while to... Heal I guess. Maybe not fix, b/c I'm not sure she can really come back from this. It shook her all pretty badly.

Brightpaw's heart was pounding, she thought it would jump out of her chest, breaking her skin and leaking all that precious life blood onto the snowy prairie floor. She didn't let it show. She didn't say anything in response to Willowpaw's first set of words. She could sense Willowpaw was getting tired. Maybe she'd leave and let the tabby apprentice have some time to herself.

Honestly... With her anger and hurt rushing through her head, she couldn't focus or see what she was doing. She always beat herself up after interactions like this, she was practically scaring herself how she was getting dangerously close to Almondpaw's and Aloekit's cruelty, if she wasn't there already. She didn't want to be like them. It was the last thing she wanted, but that peace she craved for clarity of mind eluded her in the face of one of her siblings.

"Y-You... You're really just willing to let this all go?" She laughed. It hurt. She wanted to scream. She wasn't too sure she hadn't screamed when she laughed. Then she was choking back a sob. "I-I can't believe you. I just can't." She shook her head, refusing to look at Willowpaw. 

"This family..." Another humorless laugh. "If it can even be called that just exists for us to tear each other apart. I think it's pretty karking obvious that Almondpaw and Aloekit revel in it."

[Willowspirit]

Willowpaw's tail twitched with irritation as she thought of Almondpaw and Aloekit, and how they'd treated her. The whole reason that she dedicated all her free time to fighting was so that she would be able to completely tear Almondpaw apart the next time that they met in battle. "Do you think I don't know that? If that's the case, you just have no idea." 


Willowpaw couldn't take anymore rejection from her others. It wasn't just her siblings, Mudpaw, who she barely knew, was quick to mock her along with Aloekit without even knowing her name. It filled Willowpaw with despair, giving her the idea that it was because there was something inherently wrong with her, that her personality repelled others, even though Willowpaw didn't see anything wrong with it, she didn't know what was wrong with her. 

"Yes, I was willing to let go how we treated each other when we were kits." Willowpaw explained, though the optimism she had barely been holding onto was starting to ebb. "But.. You just attacked me, and you knew exactly what you were doing, and that's.. less okay. I don't want cats to keep doing that." Her voice hardened, and she swallowed.

[Adaline]

Brightpaw finally turned around, tears glistening in her eyes. For once, she was skipping ahead to the self-loathing part. She absentmindedly pawed at the ground. "... No, I'm pretty sure you know." She actually knew about Willowpaw's fight with Almondpaw back in the nursery. She didn't talk to the silvery she-cat about it, but wounds weren't exactly the easiest to hide.

"... I'm sorry." She shut her eyes and tears fell. She was showing a lot of vulnerability and trust to Willowpaw right now, looking like this to Willowpaw. "It really isn't fair to you. I've been... Taking out my anger and hurt on you. It isn't fair. They've been really mean to you, too. It's not just me." She shook her head with a sardonic smile on her face. "Poppypaw doesn't seem to be having the same issues." She said bitterly. She remembered that look on her face... The memory of it made her shiver. Poppypaw... She agreed with Almondpaw. 

"I don't know what it's worth, but I'm really sorry. I just... I don't want to be hurt again. Family just... Doesn't mean anything to those two, and I was scared. I was really, really scared.... It's not an excuse, because I really am a terrible cat to be trying to hurt you like all this..." She tried to wipe away her tears with a paw. She looked up at Willowpaw with shimmering eyes, eyes that hadn't looked upon a family with such brightness in a long time. "I... I'm not sure those two will ever change." She pawed at the ground again. "I don't expect you to forgive me for what I said. It's okay if you don't. But, erm... I'll try to remember that...." She swallowed. "I'd rather spend time with you than those two." She shivered and let out an involuntary yawn. "Oh... I'm sorry. It's not that I'm bored it's just..." Then she trailed off.

[Willowspirit]

Willowpaw didn't know how to respond, she'd never had anyone apologize to her for their behavior before, and seeing Brightpaw so upset was something she instinctively disliked, she just wanted for everything to be okay. "It's alright, I know how you feel.." She took a step forward, but they weren't too close. Willowpaw didn't know how Brightpaw felt about physical contact, and she didn't want to cause her to become angry again.

"Everything is just awful, it isn't fair. I didn't even do anything, and they hate me, and I tried to make things better, but nothing worked. They don't even care about either of us, they don't care, they just think it's fun to bully cats and hurt them. But I'm- We aren't just cats, we're their siblings, and they still treat us like dirt!" It was clear that Willowpaw was talking about Almondpaw and Aloekit, she needed to get her emotions off her chest. Her voice grew shaky the more she talked about them, and it was clear that she was getting close to tears as well.

Brightpaw's yawn caused Willowpaw to yawn as well, and she blinked hard to keep herself focused on Brightpaw. "Yeah, I guess it's gotten pretty late out.." For some reason, though, she didn't quite want to go to sleep yet.

[Adaline]

Brightpaw stiffened as Willowpaw approached. She was... A bit nervous, since the memory of Almondpaw ripping off the end of her tail stuck out painfully strong in her mind. She tried to relax, but she did calm down a little bit when Willowpaw didn't move too close. She was glad that apparently the silvery apprentice understood boundaries. She... Maybe they were starting to repair their relationship, but there was still a long ways to go.

".... I just...." She shook her head. "I've never tried to make things better, but I don't think anything I could do would ever make them change." She let out a dry laugh. "That's an understatement. They hate us. I doubt they'd care if we died. I bet they'd love to do it themselves." She'd seen those callous looks in their eyes. She believed that they had no problems with death. She wasn't even sure they understood the implications, but the tabby apprentice had always grasped that particular concept rather well.

Brightpaw pawed at the ground. "... It's more than that." Her eyes widened as she remembered her fear, bordering on paranoia. "Back in the nursery... I had my own nest. I couldn't stand to be... So close to them. I couldn't sleep, not with them so close... Even with my own nest. I... I still haven't been able to fix my sleeping habits. I'm lucky to get maybe six hours of sleep. I just... I can't ever sleep. I've even been sleeping out in the territory." She shook her head. "It's just Almondpaw right now... But I've never slept in the apprentice's den." She shivered. "I just... Pinyondapple and Hazelclaw have never been helpful, but there's not even any adults in the apprentice's den. And I just... I can't let go of the fear. It's really dumb, I'm giving them what they want but..." She shut her eyes tight. "... Er, that's why I pulled my nest out. I slept in the snow, but at least I actually slept that night." She sighed.

"I still can't get a good night's rest. But... I am getting a little better I think." She cleared her throat. "Um... Why I was out hunting also ties into this. I try to hunt and put prey on the pile during the night when they're asleep, so I don't have to deal with them."

[Willowspirit]

Willowpaw nodded, listening to every word Brightpaw said. It seemed that Brightpaw was taking the bullying a lot harder than Willowpaw did, or at least, she took it differently. Willowpaw wanted for everything to be okay with her siblings, she wanted to fix herself so that her littermates would accept her, and she refused to hate any of her littermates completely. Brightpaw, on the other hand, completely rejected those who hurt her, distancing herself from them and avoiding them at all costs.

"I.. I'm not sure why they both hate me so much." Willowpaw began to recount her own experiences with the two. "I was playing a game of pretend with Aloekit and Poppypaw, and I wanted to be the deputy, but Aloekit called it first, and then he made fun of me for complaining, and now he has that stupid nickname for me.." Willowpaw's lip curled as she thought about the cruel nickname that Aloekit gave her, and how stupid it was, and how much she hated it.


"Almondpaw.. She scared me by putting a spider in my nest. I just jumped a little, but she decided to mock me and make me feel awful about it. So I fought her, and, well. I guess you know about that." All of Willowpaw's experiences seemed to just be bad luck, but it kept happening. She didn't need to remind Brightpaw about how things had gone between them, how Willowpaw just kept getting cats to hate her without trying.


"I think Poppypaw's okay.. Do you not like her?"

[Adaline]

Brightpaw shook her head. "They honestly think they're better than us, and so we don't deserve anything less than their vehement hatred. At least... That's what I think." She let out a shaky breath. She honestly couldn't understand that kind of thinking, the complete lack of empathy. Unless you were just as cruel as Aloekit and Almondpaw, or if you agreed with their horrid behavior... Then you'd earned their implicit, unconditional hatred. Brightpaw's own beliefs were the practical polar opposite. She was a strong believer that no one really deserved hatred. She tried very hard to not them, but it was hard in the maelstrom of her pain and rage. 

She cleared her throat. "Well..." She began to recall her own experiences with the terrible two. "I was just watching a bug... And I was arguing a little bit with another kit." She shuffled her paws. "It's just... It seemed mean to mess with the bug. They couldn't see...." She shook her head gently. "They couldn't see what I was trying to say. They couldn't see why I was against messing around with or killing the bug. I mean, yes... It's not like it's a cat but... It's the principle that bothered me so much." She gave Willowpaw a pained smile. "I won't bore you with the details of my personal beliefs... But the problem was that Aloekit just sort of swooped in and crushed it. Like it was nothing to kill. He just said... It would've died later, so it was a mercy killing. I don't really think mercy killing is a thing. It's still murder. I screamed and cried, it just... I'd never seen anyone just.... Then he just called me a crybaby and mocked me." Then she reddened in embarrassment. 

"I was kind of mean when I left but... He didn't even care that I was upset and crying." She flattened her ears. "That's why he calls me a crybaby... Almondpaw obviously picked it up from him." She sighed. "Almondpaw... I really like feathers. I think they're pretty so... I kind of collect them. But Almondpaw scared me and I accidentally tore it up in my teeth. Then she ripped off the end of her tail. It's healed now, but...." She shook her head sadly. 

"... I saw her face when we met Dad. That look on her face... I could tell. She thought I deserved it. My tail hadn't healed yet and she... She laughed at it. She knew I heard." She shivered. 

[Willowspirit]

Willowpaw listened as Brightpaw told her her story, frowning as she heard about Poppypaw. She considered Poppypaw to be her only true littermate, she was the only cat that Willowpaw had interacted with and had things not end terribly. “She’s.. She probably had her reasons, maybe..” Willowpaw mumbled. Defending Poppypaw made it sound like Willowpaw was agreeing with her actions, and that wasn’t the case, so she kept her thoughts mostly to herself.

She scuffed her paws against the cold ground, hot with frustration. “I wish that they would just disappear, and that way, we would never have to see them again,” Willowpaw mewed, a shiver running down her spine as she felt a breeze’s chill. “But that isn’t going to happen, I’m going to have to see them everyday, and they’re my littermates, so we’re always going to have that connection. They’re always going to be there, and I don’t think that they’re going to change, either. So.. The only option we have is to prove them wrong. I’m going to make them respect me, they’re gonna regret ever making fun of me.”

Willowpaw let out a hiss. “I’m gonna be the best fighter that this clan has ever seen, I’ll go down in Fireclan’s history, and no one will even remember their name. I’ve been training really hard, I already have all the basics down, and what have those two been wasting their time with? Pranks and bullying helpless cats. I bet I could already take them both down.”

She hesitated, looking at Brightpaw nervously. "I mean, I guess that does sound pretty.. violent.. But I wouldn't end up like them. There's still a difference between us and them, I'm better. I don't want to hurt anyone, but them.. I mean, you understand me, right?"

[Adaline]

Brightpaw figured that Willowpaw lacked negative experience with Poppypaw. Admittedly... The tabby apprentice didn't think spending time with Poppypaw was as terrible as with... Those two, but she still preferred to avoid the red-furred apprentice if possible. It seemed like Willowpaw was trying to find meaning in Poppypaw's actions. "... I don't blame you for thinking that way. You just... You want our family to be not this mess it is, right? Nothing wrong about that." She replied quietly. She wasn't going to tell the silvery apprentice, but if Poppypaw wronged Willowpaw... Brightpaw would be there, on the silvery she-cat's side of the conflict. Maybe... Not all family was a waste of time. Brightpaw was starting to think that Willowpaw was a cat worth fighting for.

At the very least, she wanted to reach for possibly the last hope of having a true honest to Cloudclan sibling. 

The tabby apprentice wore a sarcastic smile. "That'd be real nice, wouldn't it. I can see your goal. But..." Her expression was deadly serious. "I'm not playing their stupid game. I don't need them in my life. I've been training to fight as well... But mostly I just never want to see their stupid mugs again." Then that dangerous smirk returned. "But if they come after me, I'll give them a reason to leave me alone." Then the expression fell back into that troubled, hurt expression. "... I don't know if that makes me better or worse than them, but... I just want them to leave me alone."

Brightpaw blinked. "... They would never even believe that, but I believe in you." She shrugged. "Aloekit isn't even an apprentice yet. He doesn't know how to fight, not really. Almondpaw..." She frowned. "Honestly, I hope you'd be able to knock her down." Then that dangerous predatory glint to her eyes returned.

"No, I understand what you mean. I don't want to hurt anyone. But they started it. We're different. We don't knock down cats just because of some dumb superficial reason that's not even the truth, like they do." She took a deep breath. "I don't like violence. I really don't. But... All the same, I kind of want to see them suffer." She grit her teeth. "They don't know what pain is. Not really. They've been the ones stepping on everyone else."

"I'd really like it if they knew what it was like to be stepped on for a change."


((Willowspirit we still doing this thread...?

[Willowspirit]

Willowpaw herself was feeling strong defensive feelings towards Brightpaw, possibly even connecting with her more than she did with Poppypaw. The two of them had such like experiences in kithood, even though they were starkly different. Unlike Brightpaw, Willowpaw thought that she had started out as a fairly average cat, and it was more or less circumstance that was turning Willowpaw into a bitter and vindictive she-cat. That, of course, didn't mean that Willowpaw thought that her sister had deserved to be treated so harshly, even if her views were nonsensical, she shouldn't have had to learn that in such a cruel way, and be mocked mercilessly for it. The only cats who deserved to be hurt were ones like Almondpaw and Aloekit. 

"They're nothing." Willowpaw drawled out, working her claws against the dead grass beneath her. "They won't amount to anything, Aloekit isn't even an apprentice. And Almondpaw," In Willowpaw's opinion, Almondpaw was the worse of the two, happy to use teeth and claws, as well as words when berating her siblings. "I don't think I've seen her training once. I bet she spends all of her time creeping around the camp, looking for cats to torment."

Willowpaw didn't exactly share Brightpaw's opinion in the aspect of wanting to avoid her siblings. Her blood pumped with excitement at the thought of coming across her nasty sister and tearing the fur from her skin, proving that she was wrong about Willowpaw. She pictured herself doing it without showing a hint of emotion, then Almondpaw couldn't accuse her of being a whiny scrap of fur.

"..I understand why you would want to avoid them, though." Willowpaw breathed out, calming herself down and taking a moment to look at things from Brightpaw's point of view. "But even if they aren't bothering us, what if they go after other innocent cats?" Willowpaw's blood boiled when she thought of the possibility of the two losing interest in their siblings and instead bullying whomever made themselves the easiest victim. "If no one stops them, then they won't change, and I don't think that just using words will work."

Perhaps it would be better if Willowpaw allowed herself to move on and for the mental wounds they inflicted to heal, but the stubborn silver she-cat couldn't bring herself to do that, it felt like that if Willowpaw didn't punish them, no one would. "And.. They're our siblings, don't we have some kind of responsibility towards them? I know that being family doesn't mean much, and it definitely doesn't mean you have to be close to your blood.. But being related to them and letting them run wild just feels wrong. It makes me feel helpless." Willowpaw gave Brightpaw a wide-eyed, imploring look, hoping that her sister would understand her inner turmoil. She didn't want to move on unless something has done to quell the two bullies.

But despite all of her rationalizations of taking revenge, perhaps it still would be better to forget about the two and focus on the future, maybe even start to forge a close relationship with Brightpaw.


((i did it!! ohymgosh, sorry that took so long.))

[Adaline]

((Ahaha it's okay, in fact I think your reply is way longer than my last one lol))

Brightpaw knew she had opinions and ways of thinking that weren't really shared by anyone else. She wasn't a pacifistic, but she disliked violence. She understood the meaning of hunting, given that cats needed the meat of fresh-kill to survive. That was fine with her. It was when you stomped on things for curiosity's sake, or simply because the thing made you uncomfortable that irked her. However, it seemed no one really understood her in that manner. She... To an extent held onto those beliefs. But they had certainly evolved, since she had little to no problem with the idea of hurting her siblings... Barring Willowpaw, now.

She huffed. "I don't know how they aim to get anywhere in life, really." She shook her head. "I don't stick around camp, so I wouldn't know... But I can certainly see it. Almondpaw thinks she's already above everyone else, so she probably doesn't think she needs to work hard. Tch." Her tail lashed lightly behind her, her anger displaying. However, that anger wasn't aimed at Willowpaw. Not anymore. Brightpaw wasn't going to pretend everything was a-okay with Willowpaw. They still... There was still problems from both sides between them... But now there was potential for at least one familial thread to perhaps one day be repaired enough to be something meaningful.

It seemed Willowpaw differed from Brightpaw, in desperately wanting to tear Almondpaw and Aloekit limb from limb. Mostly Almondpaw, it seemed to be however. The sandy tabby was prepared to defend herself and those she cared about, but she was less interested in deliberately seeking them out, as the silvery tabby seemed to desire.

Her ears flattened. "I know what you mean." She snarled quietly. "They only understand claws." Then a thought crossed her mind. "You know... Every cat has pressure points. What if we just... Push on them? Really hard?" It was a rather manipulative angle, but honestly? The part that hurt Brightpaw the most wasn't the act of physically hurting you. More like the emotional side, so she wanted to take how they felt and twist it until it hurt. 

Her tail passively swung behind her. She lowered her head a little. "I understand." She growled. "I want to hurt them too. At the very least, they should understand what it means to take what you dish out."

Brightpaw didn't want to forgive. Every chance those two had been given for mercy was rejected.

They already used their second chances.

[Willowspirit]

Although emotional warfare wasn't something that Willowpaw had any skill in, she still listened to Brightpaw's idea, imagining the two bullies gradually breaking down until they were no longer the formidable cats they'd once been. The sheer power that doing something like that thrilled Willowpaw, and it could be easily justified since her siblings were such awful cats. Something had to be done about them, Willowpaw didn't want her and her sister to live in fear, and she didn't want for anymore cats to be hurts because of them.

Her two-colored eyes narrowed, and Willowpaw nodded along, a purr rising in her voice. "Yes, I think something like that will work." Maybe it was even worse than Willowpaw's initial plan to physically harm the two, but they both deserved to feel how Brightpaw and Willowpaw felt. The two of them would be broken, but not completely, just so that they would no longer dare to cause harm unneeded. And it felt good to pair up with Brightpaw, it was like a statement that the both of them were stronger than her adversaries, and Willowpaw wanted Brightpaw by her side. She wanted to prove that she could be close to a sibling, and that there was nothing wrong with her, only with Aloekit and Almondpaw. 

Not that she only thought of Brightpaw as some kind of symbol for her own personal growth, Willowpaw felt much more deeply for Brightpaw than that. Despite their rocky history and shaky relationship, Willowpaw had the desire to defend her sister, and to work with her and develop something real.

"Let's start with Almondpaw, though. I don't think it be right to go after Aloekit until he's apprenticed, even with how awful he is, hurting a kit like that would be wrong, it'd really put us on their level." Willowpaw was happy to put Almondpaw first on the list. Almondpaw hated Willowpaw for no reason, just because Aloekit did. She never waited to form her own opinion and let Willowpaw show her worth, it wasn't fair. By doing this, it would only be serving justice.

Brightpaw seemed to know exactly what she wanted to do, or at least, she had a general idea, which was better than Willowpaw's vague one. "First, we have to make a plan." She began, her whiskers twitching. "How do you want to go about this?"