Post by Dawnkit on Jun 6, 2011 7:55:22 GMT -6
i need some critique on this, it's a school project so tons of help would be appreciated.
is it good, is it bad, is it so horrible it makes your eyes burn after the first paragraph? T.T
i take criticism well so bash all you like ^.^
riiight, and this is only a short excerpt.
is it good, is it bad, is it so horrible it makes your eyes burn after the first paragraph? T.T
i take criticism well so bash all you like ^.^
riiight, and this is only a short excerpt.
AUDREY
“I’m afraid we only take students with financially stable families as our programs generally last a couple of years. Sorry.” She didn’t look very sorry to me. My jaw dropped. I had come all the way here for lessons and two sentences saying I was too poor were all I got in return? This was unfair, but what could I do? I was just some filthy black kid off the street offering a fancy performing arts school some loose change and a handful of pocket lint. My cheeks felt hot with embarrassment and shame as I hastily stuffed the money back into my pockets, diving down to pick up the coins that dropped loudly to the floor.
My slouch had returned.
I dragged my feet to the door, hugging my bag and fighting back the torrent of tears I was determined to hold back until I reached the bus. The glass door mocked me as I approached my miserable reflection.
And then I heard the whispers.
“I bet she’s a thief. Are you sure you aren’t missing anything, Margie?” I heard a snide voice and several giggles behind me. I was at the door now, the pitter patter of the new rain was welcoming and I felt a drop of cool water fall on my wrist. The door closed softly as I stopped to listen.
“Mom says not to speak to those people” A frightened voice spoke quietly and there was silence. Even the lady at the front desk had stopped typing.
“Yeah, they d0n’t belong here. They belong in the ghetto. Right, Lucy?”
“M-hmm”
They were right. I didn’t belong here. And with a final shove, I ran out into the rain, letting the storm wash away my tears and send them to the gutters.
That's sad, and I really like it, though there is a spelling mistake, there is a don't spelled, d0n't.
