Death

[Brokenspirit]

Not long, a short death scene for a novel I'm writing. Let me know what you think.

The scarlet blood was seeping through the cloth I held to her chest, soaking the fabric and my hand as I pushed down harder, trying to stop the flow. She was fading. I could feel her life slipping away even as I pulled her still form into the protective cocoon of my arms. Pulling her back against my chest I cradled her head in the hollow of my neck, whispering soothingly into her ear.

“Please. Please don’t die Nix. I can’t do this on my own.” I said softly, my words a plea. Even as I watched her slowly die, my heart was hoping, pleading for her to be ok.

“Renn?” My name was a soft question that she breathed into my ear. I almost choked on the tears I was holding back. She was wasting her last breath, saying my name.

The blood had soaked through the useless cloth by now so I tossed the scrap of fabric aside, blanching at the hole in her chest, the cause of the blood staining her dress. The dress I had only bought her last week.

I blinked my eyes repeatedly, trying to banish the ever present tears threatening to spill over. In surprise I watched as slowly, Phoenix raised her trembling arm towards my face. Her body was shaking with the pain movement caused her, but I recognized the determined look in her eyes and didn’t say anything. Taking her hand in mine, as she only had the strength to reach halfway to my face; I rested her pale hand against my own and pressed it to my cheek. To my horror, her skin under my hand was clammy and already cold. So cold.

My thumb slowly traced soothing circles on her hand as I whispered soft, meaningless words of comfort to her. Looking into her eyes, I could see past her brave facade to the pain and sadness underneath. She was scared. She was scared and she didn’t want to die. It was now more than ever that I realized that she was still so young, only sixteen and now her life had been cut short. And it was my fault. I felt like a monster.

She was gone, I knew it even before her hand slipped from my grasp, before her beautiful eyes slid shut for the last time. My eyes locked with her blank gaze as the eyelids slipped down, eyes that held such love and joy for life were now soulless and empty. My Nix, my heart, my life, gone forever. Sobs wracked my body as I hunched over her fragile form, tears finally dropping from my eyes to splash onto her already drenched gown. This was my fault. It was my fault, it was all because of me, she didn’t have to die.

My fault

A wild cry was torn from my throat, savage and primal in nature as all my feelings, the love and despair, the all-consuming hate. Always hate. Flinging my head back, blood-stained raven hair falling around my face, I screamed until my throat went raw. It felt like I was swallowing shards of glass, it hurt to breath, it hurt to be without her. Slamming a fist on the ground, I choked back another sob. So weak, I was so weak and useless. It should have been me. I should have died, that bullet was meant for my heart, and in a way, it had hit its target. Tossing my head back, I shouted to the heavens, to whatever god might be listening.

“It should have been me! Not her! Bring her back, give her back!”
Breathing hard, I closed my eyes. My strength was gone, Phoenix had been my strength, my heart, my own. What was I supposed to do now? My voice was quiet, choked and desperate as my eyes slid shut, hiding all the anguish and rage that had been granted by her death.

“It should have been me.”

[Ivyleaf]

I really liked it. No, I ma not saying this because I like to do that, but because that was really good. I kept my eyes open the whole time while reading that, and I swear they were going to pop out of their sockets. I, being a writer, ask whether or not this book ill actually be published.
But I have to tell myself that: Not every short scene will be published, no matter how great it is.
Are you pursuing to be a writer?
Believe me, you can achieve that dream with hard work, and a thirst for publishing.
Now, now, Antimony: NOT EVERY PERSON WHO MAKES A GREAT SCENE WANTS TO BE A WRITER
I could tell that was great by merely skimming over it. It was hard to read, it was HEART-WRENCHING.
I honestly can't give any feedback other than too keep working on it. I really like it and I've never seen a death scene as good as this, other than from Edgar Allen Poe. Maybe that was exaggerated. But I think this was plain, really good, and I can't wait to hear more from you. Trick, this was powerful writing.
The summary of these 200 words or more is: This was amazing. Keep Writing.

[Deleted]

Thanks a lot Ivy xD
In answer to your question, this death scene is actually part of the middle of a novel I am writing, so one day I do hope to get it published. I'm actually juggling four right now, as my interests and motivation levels change. I find that as I write I pick favorites, and the first novel I started writing, albeit it my favorite, is of the worst quality. As I go I see more and more improvement, and it makes me really glad.
It is my dream to be a writer, so I fully intend to continue pouring my heart into these pieces, and if you want some more I would love to keep putting some up.

Thank you so much for the feedback xD It means a lot.

[Ivyleaf]

I am writing a fiction novel currently, I find it hard to juggle more than one. Here is some advice: Don't name the novel otherwise you will have a feeling like you have already finished the story, and you will quickly drp the idea/work you have. Yes, I'd like to see more.

[Redclaw]

Ow. Ow. I didn't blink while reading that entire thing because I didn't want to stop reading. Yes, ow. Yes I read every single word. And oh my gosh, that was a terrific piece of writing.

Vine: I can't name any of my stories whether I want to or not. XD Also, my writing sucks, but I think it'll get better when I officially start middle school. >.<

[Deleted]

Thanks a lot Reddy xD
I'll try to keep on posting more up for you guys later.
It means a lot <3

- Trick