i just wanted to write

[Lakesplash]

(shes a human/cat)


tilsh's fur tingled 'they have found us she thought' a beam of light hit her face and she winced foot steps came closer a hand came out and hit her against the wall knocking the breath out of her the light went out and she fell back into the stream she stood up shivering 'where was luni had she been taken ' the thoughts whized in her head and she sat down against the wall trembling  a faint voice mumbled in her ear "run' it said she stood up just as a man wacked the place where she had been siting she had no time now she fled.


(im working on it)

[Whitehawk]

Perhaps add...Some..Punctuation. This is currently all, technically, one sentence.

[Swallowkit]

Yeah, I agree with Whitehawk. Perhaps subsitute some of the 'and's with periods or commas, or just push some in where you think they should go. The idea of the story was awesome, and I'm really looking forward to reading more, but splitting into sentences makes it easier to understand and less of a headache to read. Also, capitalize the names so people can know the difference between a specific thing and a made-up animal. :3 I'm just squeezing periods and commas in your writing as a example. You can put in in different places.

Tilsh's fur tingled they have found us she thought. A beam of light hit her face and she winced. Foot steps came closer, a hand came out and hit her against the wall, knocking the breath out of her the light went out and she fell back into the stream. She then stood up shivering where was luni had she been taken. The thoughts whizzed in her head and she sat down against the wall trembling. A faint voice mumbled in her ear.
"run" it said.
She stood up just as a man wacked the place where she had been siting. She fled.

Tell me if I sound like your English teacher. I'm terribly sorry. XD

[Lakesplash]

ok but i was really bord so at the time it didnt matter to me

[Swallowkit]

Jul 4, 2014 14:29:29 GMT -6 Lakesplash said:

ok but i was really bord so at the time it didnt matter to me

Yeah, I understand. But think about it, wouldn't writing correctly waste more time if your bored? XD

[Lakesplash]

yeah kinda i was just sooooo board