Burning Coals 
Post by Coalfoot on Mar 24, 2015 22:15:14 GMT -6
So this is a sort of flashback/backstory thing I wrote about one of my characters (human). It's short and I wrote it pretty quickly, so it's not my best. I'll fix it later and edit the post with the better version. Constructive criticism encouraged 
Tell me what you thought about it! (There's a reason the girl's name isn't mentioned till the end, but I won't bother you with the reason unless you really want to know)
Today was the day her father would come to see her. She shot out of bed and ran to the window of her small home. Her bare feet slapped against the cold floor, echoing through the house. The people who were watching over her were fast asleep in bed, not aware that the seven-year-old was awake.
The girl climbed up onto the windowsill and looked outside. Yellow streetlights glowed brightly, causing shadows to dance on the walls of the other buildings in the neighborhood. She looked up towards the sky. Stars littered the night, illuminating the world in a white haze along with the full moon.
She opened the window, relishing the cool breeze that came in and hugged her tight. The crisp smell of the night air filled her nose. Slowly, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath, attempting to take in everything at once. After a few seconds, she slowly exhaled.
When she finally opened her eyes again, she could see orange and pink rays blossoming on the horizon. She watched in awe as she witnessed her first sunrise. The darkness of the night quickly was taken over by the light of the sun, giving the dark world color once again.
The girl didn't know how long she waited, but by the time her caretakers woke up, the sun was already a quarter ways across the sky. They didn’t bother taking her down from the window. They knew how important this meeting was.
Several hours later and there was still no sign of her father. He’ll come, she thought. He promised. And Daddy said he never breaks his promises!
“Honey, why don’t you eat lunch while you’re waiting for you father?” one of her caretakers- Emilia- suggested. The girl looked glumly from the outside to Emilia. “Ok…” she sighed. “But I want to eat lunch by the window! That way I can see Daddy driving up!”
Emilia gave a small smile at the seven-year-old’s faith in her father. Please, Sir. Please come today to see your daughter. She misses you. The caretaker looked out the window wistfully before disappearing into the kitchen to make the child a small lunch.
Too soon, the sun was starting to set. The little girl still sat on the windowsill, always looking outside at the road. He’ll come… He will. She kept repeating this in her head. Her father promised her that he’d come!
“Sweetie…” Emilia stood by the doorway with a paper in her hands. It broke her heart seeing the child so desperate. “He-he’s not coming.”
“Wh-what?” the girl turned and stared wide eyed at her caretaker.
"Your father isn’t coming today.”
“But- but he promised! He said he’d come!” tears were pooling in her eyes now. She angrily wiped them away with the back of her hand.
“I’m sorry, but we just got a letter,” she fingered the paper in her hands. “Your father has to move troops somewhere else now. Something came up.”
“NO!” she shouted. “HE’LL COME!”
Emilia walked over to the child. She knelt down and wrapped her arms around the girl. “Shhhhh,” she rocked her back and forth. “It’s okay.”
“No,” the girl whispered. “It’s not. It’s not okay. He promised me he’d come. And Daddy said he never breaks his promises.” She looked up at her caretaker with tear filled eyes. “It’s just not fair.”
“I know, sweetie. He’ll come next time.”
“When’s next time?”
Emilia hesitated, heartbroken that the girl might never see her father again. “I don’t know, Tess. I just don’t know.”
Tell me what you thought about it! (There's a reason the girl's name isn't mentioned till the end, but I won't bother you with the reason unless you really want to know)Today was the day her father would come to see her. She shot out of bed and ran to the window of her small home. Her bare feet slapped against the cold floor, echoing through the house. The people who were watching over her were fast asleep in bed, not aware that the seven-year-old was awake.
The girl climbed up onto the windowsill and looked outside. Yellow streetlights glowed brightly, causing shadows to dance on the walls of the other buildings in the neighborhood. She looked up towards the sky. Stars littered the night, illuminating the world in a white haze along with the full moon.
She opened the window, relishing the cool breeze that came in and hugged her tight. The crisp smell of the night air filled her nose. Slowly, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath, attempting to take in everything at once. After a few seconds, she slowly exhaled.
When she finally opened her eyes again, she could see orange and pink rays blossoming on the horizon. She watched in awe as she witnessed her first sunrise. The darkness of the night quickly was taken over by the light of the sun, giving the dark world color once again.
The girl didn't know how long she waited, but by the time her caretakers woke up, the sun was already a quarter ways across the sky. They didn’t bother taking her down from the window. They knew how important this meeting was.
Several hours later and there was still no sign of her father. He’ll come, she thought. He promised. And Daddy said he never breaks his promises!
“Honey, why don’t you eat lunch while you’re waiting for you father?” one of her caretakers- Emilia- suggested. The girl looked glumly from the outside to Emilia. “Ok…” she sighed. “But I want to eat lunch by the window! That way I can see Daddy driving up!”
Emilia gave a small smile at the seven-year-old’s faith in her father. Please, Sir. Please come today to see your daughter. She misses you. The caretaker looked out the window wistfully before disappearing into the kitchen to make the child a small lunch.
Too soon, the sun was starting to set. The little girl still sat on the windowsill, always looking outside at the road. He’ll come… He will. She kept repeating this in her head. Her father promised her that he’d come!
“Sweetie…” Emilia stood by the doorway with a paper in her hands. It broke her heart seeing the child so desperate. “He-he’s not coming.”
“Wh-what?” the girl turned and stared wide eyed at her caretaker.
"Your father isn’t coming today.”
“But- but he promised! He said he’d come!” tears were pooling in her eyes now. She angrily wiped them away with the back of her hand.
“I’m sorry, but we just got a letter,” she fingered the paper in her hands. “Your father has to move troops somewhere else now. Something came up.”
“NO!” she shouted. “HE’LL COME!”
Emilia walked over to the child. She knelt down and wrapped her arms around the girl. “Shhhhh,” she rocked her back and forth. “It’s okay.”
“No,” the girl whispered. “It’s not. It’s not okay. He promised me he’d come. And Daddy said he never breaks his promises.” She looked up at her caretaker with tear filled eyes. “It’s just not fair.”
“I know, sweetie. He’ll come next time.”
“When’s next time?”
Emilia hesitated, heartbroken that the girl might never see her father again. “I don’t know, Tess. I just don’t know.”
