Burning Coals 
Post by Coalfoot on Oct 27, 2015 21:37:31 GMT -6
This is really long. Sorry. I just need to get it all off my chest. I have no one to really talk about it to.
I’ve been on the questioning road for some time now. Since about 6th grade (3 years ago), actually. In 6th, I kind of questioned my sexuality, but never really explored. In 7th, I started to do more exploring. I dated a guy for about 6 months. I kind of liked him, but more as a friend. I guess I was really more pressured to say yes when he asked me out because I wanted my first ‘real’ relationship. But the further I got into the relationship, the more I realized it wasn’t working. I won’t go too far into details because then I’ll go off on a new story. I’m already off topic.
Anyways, in 7th there was this girl in my class. Let’s call her Megan. Megan and I spoke rarely; I just knew she was there. She was always hanging out with her best friend. Let’s call the best friend Katherine (or Kat). I knew Megan well enough to hold a conversation, but not well enough to talk to her on a daily basis.
Going into 8th, everyone was texting each other before school started, trying to figure out who was in class with who. Guess what? Turns out Megan and I are in all of our classes together. No one else we know very well. So, naturally, we teamed up.
We were always by each other’s side and I really got to know her better. Like, a lot better. A whole lot better. By the end of the year we were inseparable; always next to each other, finishing each other’s sentences, pairing up for projects, going out places, giving each other a look and knowing exactly what the other was thinking, knowing exactly how to annoy or make the other laugh, etc.
But let’s backtrack a bit. Before Christmas break (don’t remember exactly when, sadly), we had a biology assignment in class. We were studying heredity and all that jazz. We were to create a child with our partner by flipping a coin and, depending on which side it landed on, pick physical characteristics of the child.
Megan and I glanced at each other awkwardly. She was the one to ask me if we wanted to team up. Naturally, I said sure and got up to move beside her (she was at the table behind me). As I got there, this guy (who might have liked me, not too sure about that) asked me to be his partner.
This being an assignment where it basically implied we have sex made it a kind of awkward exchange. Thankfully Megan had already asked me, so I had a quick escape. I hugged her from behind and told him sorry, but I already have a partner.
I forgot to say, but I had sort of slowly been falling for Megan for a while. I told myself repeatedly to not fall for it, that she wouldn’t return my feelings and that it would be stupid anyway since we’re so young. I thought I was safe. This assignment kind of did me in.
So we did the assignment and named our child after our favorite book characters: Deanna Reyna mylastname-herlastname. It got me thinking, if we had a child, we should be 'married'. At the end of class I said something along the lines of "come on waifu (wife, but pronounced weirdly because I'm weird). To social studies!" I think it took her aback just a bit, but she shook it off and took it in stride.
That's how we got 'married'. It's also when I started falling hard. Fast.
We started getting more open after that. We would crack sexual innuendos at each other for kicks, and occasionally joke about us being a lesbian couple.
Apparently we pulled that role off very well. Everyone in our class knew we were 'married' and treated us as such. People would joke about it alongside us. To our class we were the married couple that was inseparable.
Then there was this one guy that came up to us one day. He asked us if we were really dating each other (totally valid question on his part). Megan and I laughed it off, exchanged and awkward glance with each other, and said no. The guy knew my ex-boyfriend and then joked about if we had said yes, he would've told my ex that our relationship was so bad, I switched teams. We laughed it off. She made some offhand comment about how we were such good friends that people thought we were a couple. But I wished that we really were dating. I just didn't say anything. My crush had grown.
Now of course there was an obstacle (besides the part that she may not even return my feelings). Remember when I mentioned Katherine? Yeah, well, Megan and Kat were, and still are, the best of friends. Whenever Kat is around, Megan barely spares me a glance. I totally understand, but it still hurts, ya know? Especially since Kat is sorta condescending towards me. Not enough for it to bother me, but enough for me not to trust her word.
So when Megan, Kat, and I are talking outside and Kat randomly says "Kat loves you," I don't trust a single word. In my mind, Kat is just there to pull at my heartstrings and make fun of me for falling for Megan. Megan and I exchanged an awkward glance, didn't comment about it, and moved on. I desperately wanted to ask "platonically or romantically?", but then it would seem like I actually cared about the answer. It was too late to ask. Bringing it back up would be suspicious.
And we moved on. Never talked about that moment, no matter how much I wanted to ask. I still want to ask, even a year later.
Over the summer Megan had to go to Korea to visit her family over there. We Skyped and texted a few times. We only met once during the summer since we both had a ton of things to do. We kind of drifted apart.
Now we're both freshmen at a new school. Megan and Kat have classes together and I only have two classes with Megan. Megan and I barely get a chance to talk anymore. When we do, Kat is always there to take the convo away. Megan is always different when she talks with Kat. I feel like she was different when it was just me and her.
The only time I get to speak with her alone is for less than 3 mins on our way to our A day fourth block class. I rush out of my A3 class to get to the stairs in time to 'accidentally' run into Megan. We chat together on the way to class. It feels like old times. And then we get there. She's around her old group of friends. Her personality changes slightly. I hardly speak with her.
It kills me.
Add onto the fact that Kat and Megan have been 'married' too for a few years? Oh God. Kat will always flaunt it in front of me. She'll hang off Megan's arm and do a bunch of other stuff. Megan almost never lets me touch her. I don't know if she allows Kat to it because Kat is a really stubborn person, or if she's somehow repulsed by the thought of me even accidentally brushing shoulders with her. Or if she feels the same way I do but doesn't want to spur it on.
Phew. Got that off my chest. I really just wanted to express my feelings. Sorry it's so long. I hardly have anyone to turn to when I want to talk about this. Eventually, I decided this was the best place to talk about it.
Now I have one more thing to talk about before I'm done: my sexuality.
I know that I'm most likely lesbian, or at least bi with a preference to girls, but I cringe every time someone, especially Megan, or myself refer to me as 'lesbian'. Usually if it's someone else, it's an offhand comment about Megan and my relationship, nothing accusing or offensive. Call me gay? Sure! Bi? Sure! Lesbian? It gives me chills. I guess I just don't like the term. I'd rather be called gay, even if that's the 'boy's' term.
If I come out, it'll be fine because most of my friends and family either already suspect or don't care as long as I'm me. My only real fear is Megan's reaction. I don't exactly keep my crush a secret, though, but I also don't want to ruin our friendship if I confess anything to her. Kat will see right through me though. If I come out, she'll zero in on it and connect the dots. She's smart. Kat won't let me live it down. Kat isn't homophobic, she just is judging and teasing by nature, I guess. I don't really know how to describe what I want to say.
If you read this all the way through, thank you.
I’ve been on the questioning road for some time now. Since about 6th grade (3 years ago), actually. In 6th, I kind of questioned my sexuality, but never really explored. In 7th, I started to do more exploring. I dated a guy for about 6 months. I kind of liked him, but more as a friend. I guess I was really more pressured to say yes when he asked me out because I wanted my first ‘real’ relationship. But the further I got into the relationship, the more I realized it wasn’t working. I won’t go too far into details because then I’ll go off on a new story. I’m already off topic.
Anyways, in 7th there was this girl in my class. Let’s call her Megan. Megan and I spoke rarely; I just knew she was there. She was always hanging out with her best friend. Let’s call the best friend Katherine (or Kat). I knew Megan well enough to hold a conversation, but not well enough to talk to her on a daily basis.
Going into 8th, everyone was texting each other before school started, trying to figure out who was in class with who. Guess what? Turns out Megan and I are in all of our classes together. No one else we know very well. So, naturally, we teamed up.
We were always by each other’s side and I really got to know her better. Like, a lot better. A whole lot better. By the end of the year we were inseparable; always next to each other, finishing each other’s sentences, pairing up for projects, going out places, giving each other a look and knowing exactly what the other was thinking, knowing exactly how to annoy or make the other laugh, etc.
But let’s backtrack a bit. Before Christmas break (don’t remember exactly when, sadly), we had a biology assignment in class. We were studying heredity and all that jazz. We were to create a child with our partner by flipping a coin and, depending on which side it landed on, pick physical characteristics of the child.
Megan and I glanced at each other awkwardly. She was the one to ask me if we wanted to team up. Naturally, I said sure and got up to move beside her (she was at the table behind me). As I got there, this guy (who might have liked me, not too sure about that) asked me to be his partner.
This being an assignment where it basically implied we have sex made it a kind of awkward exchange. Thankfully Megan had already asked me, so I had a quick escape. I hugged her from behind and told him sorry, but I already have a partner.
I forgot to say, but I had sort of slowly been falling for Megan for a while. I told myself repeatedly to not fall for it, that she wouldn’t return my feelings and that it would be stupid anyway since we’re so young. I thought I was safe. This assignment kind of did me in.
So we did the assignment and named our child after our favorite book characters: Deanna Reyna mylastname-herlastname. It got me thinking, if we had a child, we should be 'married'. At the end of class I said something along the lines of "come on waifu (wife, but pronounced weirdly because I'm weird). To social studies!" I think it took her aback just a bit, but she shook it off and took it in stride.
That's how we got 'married'. It's also when I started falling hard. Fast.
We started getting more open after that. We would crack sexual innuendos at each other for kicks, and occasionally joke about us being a lesbian couple.
Apparently we pulled that role off very well. Everyone in our class knew we were 'married' and treated us as such. People would joke about it alongside us. To our class we were the married couple that was inseparable.
Then there was this one guy that came up to us one day. He asked us if we were really dating each other (totally valid question on his part). Megan and I laughed it off, exchanged and awkward glance with each other, and said no. The guy knew my ex-boyfriend and then joked about if we had said yes, he would've told my ex that our relationship was so bad, I switched teams. We laughed it off. She made some offhand comment about how we were such good friends that people thought we were a couple. But I wished that we really were dating. I just didn't say anything. My crush had grown.
Now of course there was an obstacle (besides the part that she may not even return my feelings). Remember when I mentioned Katherine? Yeah, well, Megan and Kat were, and still are, the best of friends. Whenever Kat is around, Megan barely spares me a glance. I totally understand, but it still hurts, ya know? Especially since Kat is sorta condescending towards me. Not enough for it to bother me, but enough for me not to trust her word.
So when Megan, Kat, and I are talking outside and Kat randomly says "Kat loves you," I don't trust a single word. In my mind, Kat is just there to pull at my heartstrings and make fun of me for falling for Megan. Megan and I exchanged an awkward glance, didn't comment about it, and moved on. I desperately wanted to ask "platonically or romantically?", but then it would seem like I actually cared about the answer. It was too late to ask. Bringing it back up would be suspicious.
And we moved on. Never talked about that moment, no matter how much I wanted to ask. I still want to ask, even a year later.
Over the summer Megan had to go to Korea to visit her family over there. We Skyped and texted a few times. We only met once during the summer since we both had a ton of things to do. We kind of drifted apart.
Now we're both freshmen at a new school. Megan and Kat have classes together and I only have two classes with Megan. Megan and I barely get a chance to talk anymore. When we do, Kat is always there to take the convo away. Megan is always different when she talks with Kat. I feel like she was different when it was just me and her.
The only time I get to speak with her alone is for less than 3 mins on our way to our A day fourth block class. I rush out of my A3 class to get to the stairs in time to 'accidentally' run into Megan. We chat together on the way to class. It feels like old times. And then we get there. She's around her old group of friends. Her personality changes slightly. I hardly speak with her.
It kills me.
Add onto the fact that Kat and Megan have been 'married' too for a few years? Oh God. Kat will always flaunt it in front of me. She'll hang off Megan's arm and do a bunch of other stuff. Megan almost never lets me touch her. I don't know if she allows Kat to it because Kat is a really stubborn person, or if she's somehow repulsed by the thought of me even accidentally brushing shoulders with her. Or if she feels the same way I do but doesn't want to spur it on.
Phew. Got that off my chest. I really just wanted to express my feelings. Sorry it's so long. I hardly have anyone to turn to when I want to talk about this. Eventually, I decided this was the best place to talk about it.
Now I have one more thing to talk about before I'm done: my sexuality.
I know that I'm most likely lesbian, or at least bi with a preference to girls, but I cringe every time someone, especially Megan, or myself refer to me as 'lesbian'. Usually if it's someone else, it's an offhand comment about Megan and my relationship, nothing accusing or offensive. Call me gay? Sure! Bi? Sure! Lesbian? It gives me chills. I guess I just don't like the term. I'd rather be called gay, even if that's the 'boy's' term.
If I come out, it'll be fine because most of my friends and family either already suspect or don't care as long as I'm me. My only real fear is Megan's reaction. I don't exactly keep my crush a secret, though, but I also don't want to ruin our friendship if I confess anything to her. Kat will see right through me though. If I come out, she'll zero in on it and connect the dots. She's smart. Kat won't let me live it down. Kat isn't homophobic, she just is judging and teasing by nature, I guess. I don't really know how to describe what I want to say.
If you read this all the way through, thank you.
