Post by Swiftstrike on Feb 13, 2016 20:36:08 GMT -6
STILL RELEVANT AS OF: 4 March 2016
This is sort of weird for me to be talking about, so sorry if this sounds strange or anything ((ALSO I KNOW IT"S A LOT OF WORDS BUT PLEASE BEAR WITH ME, OKAY?))
The thing is I've been questioning my gender for a long time (and I mean A LONG TIME), although this hasn't ever been much of a problem for me. I use male pronouns (he/him) on this site, and usually just on the internet in general, but normally (meaning in the "real world") I use she/her because I was born female (although the two friends I have that know I'm questioning my gender use they/them or he/him when we're in private).
I've always been at odds with my birth gender, although this isn't really something I share with many people (which is why it's awkward for me to talk about). Not that this a problem, my gender identity is something I always sort of knew was not female, although I had thought I would figure it out when I'm out of college--mainly because I would most likely need my grandparents support to get through college, which is defiantly something I wouldn't have if I came out as trans (or pansexual, but that's not something that would be imperative for them to know). A lot of my family (excluding my parents and sibling) is against the/uneasy with the LGBT+ community as well, so that would also be something I have to deal with and probably will have to deal with when the time comes.
The above is something I need to deal with on my own though, and, while you're free to give advice/commentary on the above information, I'd much rather you help me out with a more pressing issue. Which is the fact that I have a boyfriend. Or, more importantly, the fact that I have a boyfriend that has basically no clue that I've been questioning my gender, and I have no clue how--or when--to approach him about it (I've tried to drop a few hints, but they were VERY subtle and I don't think he noticed).
We've been acquainted through friends for several years (and I use the term "acquainted" loosely, we basically just knew each other's names and a few random facts about the other person--we hadn't really talked), and only started talking after I started sneaking into the school's robotics lab at the end of last year (which is where he spends a lot of his time, seeing as he's one of the only two members left on the media team [all the others graduated last year]). Well, technically we did have a few random conversations throughout the past two years (mainly about video games and anime we were both into), but it wasn't anything worth noting and the majority of those conversations were pretty awkward because I'm a bit of a antisocial nerd.
But I'm not gonna go into all the boring details of our relationship; the gist we sort of just instantly got along with each other and a month ago he asked me out and I said yes because, well, I really liked him. And I still really like him, more so than I did then, and more so every day, and it just makes me feel more guilty for not telling him about the whole gender deal. ((I also sort of got adopted into our school's media team, because they really needed more help. So the past month has basically just been me and my boyfriend collaborating on different materials. Sometimes it's for our robotics work, but because we both do writing in our [little] free time we also like to look over and critique each other's work as well)).
I don't know what to do. I'm still not completely sure which gender I identify with (although I'm positive it's not female) and I know for a fact that I wouldn't be able to come out for at least a few more years, unless situations change family-wise. I have a feeling he would be accepting of me (I have other trans friends that he's shown support for), but... he is heterosexual... and I'm just really scared I'm going to loose him if I do. I mean, he might not DISLIKE me for being trans but that doesn't mean he'll still see me as a romantic interest if I start protecting myself as someone that is non-female (not that I don't sort of do this already, according to my friends I come off as a more androgynous person and I've been read as a male by a lot of strangers) I"m afraid he'll stop wanting to be with me romantically. I don't know how his family would react either, although considering the fact that his mother is sort of strict about gender roles I would assume it wouldn't be ideal.
I don't want to lie to him though, and I don't want him to feel like I didn't trust him enough to talk to him about this if we're still together later on in life when I (ideally) come out. Still, that doesn't make it any easier to tell him or confront him about the subject...
There's also the fact that he's a senior and after this school year ends he could be going away to college, meaning our relationship might end soon anyway (depending on where he goes, acceptance letters haven't come in yet. He's applied for various places, a few outside of the area, but he's pretty smart [really smart, actually] and hardworking so I doubt he'll have much trouble getting into whichever college he wants too). I mean, I would like our relationship to continue when he does to college, but I don't know how reasonable of an expectation that is.
I don't have a problem with not telling him, after all this is something I'm still trying to figure out myself, but I don't want to disregarding him and risk hurting him or driving him away. All of this is new to me, and I'm not quite sure how to handle it... I just, could use some advice I guess.
This is sort of weird for me to be talking about, so sorry if this sounds strange or anything ((ALSO I KNOW IT"S A LOT OF WORDS BUT PLEASE BEAR WITH ME, OKAY?))
The thing is I've been questioning my gender for a long time (and I mean A LONG TIME), although this hasn't ever been much of a problem for me. I use male pronouns (he/him) on this site, and usually just on the internet in general, but normally (meaning in the "real world") I use she/her because I was born female (although the two friends I have that know I'm questioning my gender use they/them or he/him when we're in private).
I've always been at odds with my birth gender, although this isn't really something I share with many people (which is why it's awkward for me to talk about). Not that this a problem, my gender identity is something I always sort of knew was not female, although I had thought I would figure it out when I'm out of college--mainly because I would most likely need my grandparents support to get through college, which is defiantly something I wouldn't have if I came out as trans (or pansexual, but that's not something that would be imperative for them to know). A lot of my family (excluding my parents and sibling) is against the/uneasy with the LGBT+ community as well, so that would also be something I have to deal with and probably will have to deal with when the time comes.
The above is something I need to deal with on my own though, and, while you're free to give advice/commentary on the above information, I'd much rather you help me out with a more pressing issue. Which is the fact that I have a boyfriend. Or, more importantly, the fact that I have a boyfriend that has basically no clue that I've been questioning my gender, and I have no clue how--or when--to approach him about it (I've tried to drop a few hints, but they were VERY subtle and I don't think he noticed).
We've been acquainted through friends for several years (and I use the term "acquainted" loosely, we basically just knew each other's names and a few random facts about the other person--we hadn't really talked), and only started talking after I started sneaking into the school's robotics lab at the end of last year (which is where he spends a lot of his time, seeing as he's one of the only two members left on the media team [all the others graduated last year]). Well, technically we did have a few random conversations throughout the past two years (mainly about video games and anime we were both into), but it wasn't anything worth noting and the majority of those conversations were pretty awkward because I'm a bit of a antisocial nerd.
But I'm not gonna go into all the boring details of our relationship; the gist we sort of just instantly got along with each other and a month ago he asked me out and I said yes because, well, I really liked him. And I still really like him, more so than I did then, and more so every day, and it just makes me feel more guilty for not telling him about the whole gender deal. ((I also sort of got adopted into our school's media team, because they really needed more help. So the past month has basically just been me and my boyfriend collaborating on different materials. Sometimes it's for our robotics work, but because we both do writing in our [little] free time we also like to look over and critique each other's work as well)).
I don't know what to do. I'm still not completely sure which gender I identify with (although I'm positive it's not female) and I know for a fact that I wouldn't be able to come out for at least a few more years, unless situations change family-wise. I have a feeling he would be accepting of me (I have other trans friends that he's shown support for), but... he is heterosexual... and I'm just really scared I'm going to loose him if I do. I mean, he might not DISLIKE me for being trans but that doesn't mean he'll still see me as a romantic interest if I start protecting myself as someone that is non-female (not that I don't sort of do this already, according to my friends I come off as a more androgynous person and I've been read as a male by a lot of strangers) I"m afraid he'll stop wanting to be with me romantically. I don't know how his family would react either, although considering the fact that his mother is sort of strict about gender roles I would assume it wouldn't be ideal.
I don't want to lie to him though, and I don't want him to feel like I didn't trust him enough to talk to him about this if we're still together later on in life when I (ideally) come out. Still, that doesn't make it any easier to tell him or confront him about the subject...
There's also the fact that he's a senior and after this school year ends he could be going away to college, meaning our relationship might end soon anyway (depending on where he goes, acceptance letters haven't come in yet. He's applied for various places, a few outside of the area, but he's pretty smart [really smart, actually] and hardworking so I doubt he'll have much trouble getting into whichever college he wants too). I mean, I would like our relationship to continue when he does to college, but I don't know how reasonable of an expectation that is.
I don't have a problem with not telling him, after all this is something I'm still trying to figure out myself, but I don't want to disregarding him and risk hurting him or driving him away. All of this is new to me, and I'm not quite sure how to handle it... I just, could use some advice I guess.
- KANRA
*NOTE: I'm gonna apologize now for any grammatical errors. This probably isn't the most well-written piece, but I didn't want to spend forever editing, or else I probably would have chickened out of posting this and just tried to solve the problem blindly on my own.
*NOTE: I'm gonna apologize now for any grammatical errors. This probably isn't the most well-written piece, but I didn't want to spend forever editing, or else I probably would have chickened out of posting this and just tried to solve the problem blindly on my own.
