I'm in need of critism

[Patch]

Okay, I think this is about the 4th, maybe 5th, time I'm posting in this board, but I like writing, what can I say? I just want to do a progress report of how I am doing and I just had a random spark of a story. So here we go!

"Well, this is a cave."

Rene laughed as she stared down into a ravine, a giant gap implanted in the bottom. Movement came behind her, and a taller man with blonde hair appeared behind here, his eyes tinted with humor and excitement. It was Andrew, her cousin and partner in adventure. "Yeah, you don't say." He said, smiling. Rene nodded happily and stared back at the cave entrance. "I think this is where Jean told us to go, isn't Kyle's Cavern on the map?"

In the past months, Rene and her close family, which consisted of her, her sister Jean, and her cousins Andrew and Luke, had created a business in exploring some ancient caves and monuments. It had gotten the crew in some near-death situations, but it was paid off in some really good treasures (literally). At the moment, Jean and Luke were in Egypt exploring some of the deserts and pyramids. Which left Rene and Andrew to explore an abandoned cavern which is said to have tormented some people to eternal anxiety and sometimes even insanity. The good part? All the riches a person could ask for, but that is only a myth.

"You ready to be driven insane from the mazes, Cuz?" Rene smiled, obviously avoiding the life-changing cons to the situation at hand. Andrew laughed weakly and started running towards the entrance of Kyle's Cavern. She nodded firmly and ran after her partner, her bandana that held her long black hair back starting to fall out. She adjusted it and soon, she had lost sight of Andrew. She grew into a panic and put her red hood up, running in after him in an attempt to catch him through the series of paths.

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Andrew was reckless, everyone that ever met him knew that. He liked danger, and would often laugh in the face of it. But when it came to his family, nothing was ever more important to him. So when he turned around to see that his cousin wasn't behind him, he began to shake. He ran back to where he entered, to find himself in an entirely different area. Oh, so it's one of THOSE places, oh, I'm so happy. He muttered in his head, running around some more.

Andrew was not expecting to find anything so soon, he was surprised when he saw a large grand gold hallway. Maybe she went in there, seems like something Rene would do. He thought, starting to walk into the shining path, as if welcoming him.

It was not.

As Andrew stopped at the end of the path, there was his worst nightmare, blood was spread across the floor, sharp edges of silver was raised from the ground, obviously a trap. But in the midst of the sight, was the sight of his dead partner, Rene. Her red hoodie was torn and dyed by the trap that had impaled her. Her brown eyes were dull and blank, her glasses lied on the ground. A smile was still on her pale white face, as if she was proud of the person who had managed to trick her. Andrew stared at the sight, tears forming. What? How could a person as smart as Rene be killed by a simple trap, ones that she had trained herself to face most of her career. "RENE!" He finally shouted in pain, his throat dried.

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Rene was running through the maze, her eyes darting for the sight of her blonde cousin, even for the sight of his casual 'I'm with Stupid' shirt. She eventually came across a golden path, "Of course the dude went there, might as well check." She didn't care if she had the feeling of dread approach, she still ran. As she faced the end of the hallway, an earsplitting shout came from behind her. "RENE!" It was filled with pain and dryness. She turned around and saw Andrew limping towards her, an arrow cut into his knee. He coughed up blood, and an arrow continued to pierce through his back. He fell limp to the ground, and Rene was face to face with a ghost, it's evil smirk sending surges of anger and fear through her chest. "YOU KILLED HIM! YOU KILLED HIM!"

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Okay, just to clear things up, both of them are not dead, they just saw the illusion of how their partner's deaths would play off if they did happen to die in there, Kyle's Cavern is a place I made up that was meant to send false sadness, anger, fear, and sometimes insanity to a person.

[Crevicelight]

sorry if my critique sounds harsh, it's just that I really like commenting on other people's works. you can use my suggestions or not, but remember that this is your piece, so you should write it how you feel, what I wrote are just suggestions! c:

Concept: "Kyle's Cavern is a place . . .  meant to send false sadness, anger, fear, and sometimes insanity to a person."

Story:
xx Rene followed by cousin Andrew
xx family explores some cool places, leading to near-death experiences sometimes, though they find treasure
xx Jean and Luke (Rene's sister and cousin) in Egypt
xx Rene and Andrew in abandoned cavern (Kyle's Cavern is a maze?)
xx Rene readjusts bandanna and loses Andrew
xx Andrew wanders off and has an adventure
xx sees each other's delusional deaths

Development: You could always develop more by writing more about the cave! What's it look like? What's it smell like? Is it hot or cold around? How are they feeling? Etc. This can add more feeling and sense to the reader and your writing, because right now, I was just imagining a generic cartoon cave with walls. . . How did the family get into these explorations? I feel like it's unnecessary to have Jean and Luke unless they are actually going to be incorporated into the story. There is really no development in the characters - it's just two adventurous cousins who end up imagining each other's death in a cave. There's no fear, whatsoever. Andrew's part seemed to be the only aspect that I saw a development, but it was only to Andrew. What about Rene? Everything seems to be going on too sudden. Feel free to expand your paragraphs, cut them, add more, whatever's needed, but I do see potential in this! There's already a lot of stories I've read like this, so what makes your piece different?

Grammatics: I'll just give one example of each that I found. c:
xx there's run on sentences that I have found,

"Movement came behind her, and a taller man with blond hair appeared behind here, his eyes tinted with humor and excitement." : okay, so this written in a style of the author, but to improve and make it sound better, you can rewrite it to something like: "Movement came behind her and a tall man with blond hair appeared behind her; his eyes were tinted with humor and excitement."

xx who's saying what?

"Yeah, you don't say." He said, smiling. Rene nodded happily and stared back at the cave entrance. "I think this is where Jean told us to go, isn't Kyle's Cavern on the map?" : who's saying the second part? Andrew or Rene? since you go back to her nodding and smiling, while it's in Andrew's paragraph of speech too? I would say to reword, or if it's Rene, don't be afraid to make it a paragraph of its own or to put something so the reader knows its Rene!

xx make it clear as to what's a thought

Oh, so it's one of THOSE places, oh, I'm so happy. He muttered in his head, running around some more. : without an indication that this is a thought, it can just be an emphasis in the sentence. try something like 'Oh, so it's one of those/THOSE places. Oh, I'm so happy,' he muttered in his head, running around some more.

xx unnecessary words

But in the midst of the sight, was the sight of his dead parter, Rene. : okay, you used "sight" twice, and we already know that Rene is his partner for his expedition. You can rewrite to something like "But in the midst of it all was a dead Rene.

xx spelling : bandanna, laid (lied is the past tense for lie, not lay).

[Deleted]

wow I thought it was great, but no offence, the critique was amazinger.