Don't fear the dark [p]

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((random title))

The first two or so nights of sleeping in the Apprentice's den had been exicitng, sure, but also incredibly awkward. When she was still a kit, she had convinced herself that awkwardness and drama was hilarious, that she thrived on it. Every time she spotted Darkpaw, however, her guilt seemed to grow ever so slightly. She hated it. Man, emotions sucked.

And so, on a crisp green-leaf evening, Asterpaw decided she needed to take action. She spotted his dark figure in den and quietly padded towards it. Once she was in their hearing range, she spoke. Eyes wide as ever. "Uh, hey, Darkpaw ."

[Darkpaw]

Darkpaw had been staring out of a small gap the the den wall, just listening to everything. He knew exactly when someone began to pad hesitantly to him, and his ears flattened in fear and excitement both as he identified it as Asterpaw without turning.

He turned his head around and gazed at her with his pale lilac eyes, which were wide like hers. "Asterpaw..." He greeted her, hesitant. Had she come to tell him he was an idiot for not speaking with her or just be mean or try to hurt him in return for him hurting her?

"Asterpaw, I-" He began, before breaking off. He actually didn't know what he was going to say, even though he'd basically practiced this moment ever since their fight.

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Asterpaw immediately noticed her brother's discomfort, and pawed at the ground, almost tempted to run off as far as the camp boundaries would let her. Maybe even further. However, she knew the guilt would probably eat her alive, so she steeled herself. Cloudclan, his wide-eyed stare was a bit unnerving. Did she seriously make every other cat feel that way?

"Yeah, hi," She blurted at his greeting. The second time he spoke up, she just nodded. She really should've figured out what to say and how to apologize before she came over here. There was a painful silence. Then, "I'm, just, Darkpaw, are you angry at me? Do you--do you hate me?"

[Darkpaw]

Darkpaw jolted as Asterpaw asked him if he hated her and was angry at her. "N-no. I thought... I thought you were mad at me! I got mad and hurt your feelings and-" He broke off, feeling flustered and about to tear up.

"Asterpaw, I'm so sorry. I meant to say this a long time ago, I'm sorry I left it so long... It's just, a lot of things have been going on and when I blew up at you, I was just venting because of myself and what I was going through..." He stopped talking, feeling like he'd said way too much.

"I'm sorry I made you hate me, will you forgive me?" He asked, quietly.

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Asterpaw's eyes widened at this new information. The blue-grey apprentice stood still, whiskers twitching, as her typically stoic brother stopped speaking for a second, voice warbling as if he were on the verge of tears. She gulped. Seeing him this broken up about it felt strange; Darkpaw was stoic, 'dark' like his name.

It wasn't as if she were the most composed cat right now, though. In fact, his next admission brought up the same stinging feeling in her eyes that she'd gotten on the day of their little fight. This time, though, it seemed to originate from relief. "Okay. I mean, yes, I forgive you, brother." Asterpaw waddled over next to him and tried to give an affectionate head-butt. "I'm sorry too, though. I was really angry and I can't even remember why."

[Darkpaw]

Darkpaw carefully watched Asterpaw as she took in what he told her, freezing up. He then slowly started to relax, still cautious, as tears sprang up in her eyes and she said she forgave him.

"Thank you... It really means a lot to me that you don't hate me." He was still as Asterpaw sat came next to him and headbutted him, and then gently rubbed his cheek against her flank and then cheek in relief. "You don't need to be sorry... it, it was all my fault. My mind... the way it works, is complicated, and I had found out something about myself that I am still coming to terms with now, and it was just super hard to be okay. But, I think i can manage now." He told her, shrugging. He closed his eyes, knowing she would probably question him, and he was prepared to give her a true answer, as long as she didn't freak or hate him.

[Deleted]

Finally, sweet relief. Cloudclan or whatever else was up there at least granted her some dignity, as she managed to hold in her tears and gulp down any embarrassing wails that she felt like releasing. Instead, she sat down next to Darkpaw with a small smile and nodded. "Yeah, me too." She meowed. Then, she was quiet. Ears perked, she listened silently as he brother tried to explain something; something vague, something deep within him. He also said he could 'manage now, but... well, if he wasn't, she should ask. If he was, then asking anyway shouldn't offend him.

Keep yourself together this time. "Something... about yourself? Are you able to explain that in a bit more detail?" The question hung in the air before she added in another comment hastily. "If you don't mind, that is."

[Darkpaw]

Darkpaw looked at the floor as Asterpaw asked if he would explain. He stared at his paws for a long moment as he struggled to form words, but then found them and started again, deep bright scarlet flashing over his face.

"Well, okay... I guess if I... say it bluntly... I guess I'm trying to tell you that I found out-found out that I..." He hesitated, cursing himself for not being able to do this. She was his sister and best friend.

"I-I'M GAY." He blurted, quite loudly, before he looked in the opposite direction, blushing, cautious, scared, and happy he had told someone. "I-I like... Loudpaw..." He added in a tiny murmur that was barely audible. He wondered if she knew who that was.

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By the way he nervously averted her glance, the blush slowly taking over his face, it seemed most likely to Asterpaw that she was going to actually get her explanation. She looked at him patiently, giving an awkward smile to show some form of support. All the different possibilities buzzed in her mind; was it a family issue? Was he part loner? From another clan? Did he hurt someone? She leaned in without thinking, ears perked as he trailed off.

Suddenly, Darkpaw shouted out the answer. Asterpaw responded with a yelp, flinching back to her original position, fur raised in surprise. "O-oh," She stuttered, forcing herself to relax. Her brother looked to be quite uncomfortable (and maybe a little happy too?) now that he'd revealed this part of himself.

"Okay...? Okay." She started. She hadn't really encountered any 'gay' cats, sure, but she silently wondered what the big deal about it was. Wasn't it normal? Asterpaw didn't exactly care about 'normal', though. "That's fine? I mean, I'm actually kinda happy for you... but, when did you figure out that you liked this 'Loudpaw' character?"

[Darkpaw]

Darkpaw flinched as Asterpaw did, but then also tried to relax as she did. He was literally just following her lead on emotions and actions right now or he'd probably turn into a still statue and just stare at the floor for a while like he wanted to, like he normally would in a situation like this.

There was a hint of relieh and happiness now he's shared his secret with his sister, but also a taint of fear. Fear of the idea of Asterpaw not wanting to be close with him any longer.

He carefully eyed her as she sorted out her words. He listened intently to what she said, until she mentioned Loudpaw. Then he flushed and his gaze darted away again. Damm it, he hadn't meant for her to head the other cats name... Oh, great. What could he do now?

"Uh, t-thank you?" He replied when she said she was happy for him. He hesitated, Loudpaw's name on the tip of his tongue. "Um, well, I... I'd prefer not to talk about him. See, he doesn't know I like him? And maybe it's be better if he never found out. Also, it's not just loudpaw we're talking about here it's the fact I like toms instead of she-cats. He basically isn't part of this." Darkpaw added quietly, hoping to say as little about him as possible, because really it could be any tom.

"I figure out this was who I was recently, but when we fought I had been having doubts about things sorta like this but yeah. It kinda was hard to deal with things so I paniced and shut down. Sorry." He murmured the sorry very quietly. He wanted to crawl under a rock and perish, but decided it was better to not to. Better because he felt better about staying, happier and at (slightly) more ease with himself.

[Deleted]

Asterpaw's eyes became expectant, almost piercing, as she waited for his answer. For better or for worse, her curiosity had completely taken over now, and she could only hope that Darkpaw would politely tell her to back off if she became too intrusive. He seemed so flustered, and she smiled, whiskers twitching in amusement. Not that she thought he was dumb or foolish. It was just... amusing, seeing her usually stoic brother so embarrassed.

"It's fine," She replied. After that, she was mostly silent during his entire explanation, adding in nods or 'Uh-huh's' every so often to show that she was still listening. The only time her expression changed from a neutral one was at Darkpaw's claim of Loudpaw not being 'part of this', in which she raised a figurative eyebrow and grinned.

Once he muttered out his apology, she nodded one last time. "Again, it's fine, brother. And, um, thanks for explaining that to me in detail. This is obviously very important to you." Asterpaw briefly went over all the things he'd said, and sat down on her stomach. "I know I'm probably not the best to talk about 'feelings' with, but maybe you should let him know a bit about what you've just told me? Even just about you liking tom-cats? Like I said, I'm glad that you've figured out a part of you that you didn't know before, and if anybody acts hateful towards you just for that alone," She leaned in, making her grin as sharp as possible, "I will end them. If you're unable to do it yourself, anyway."

A second later, she went back to her calm demeanor. "It's fine to have doubts. I have doubts too, sometimes, about certain aspects of myself. And sometimes, you've just gotta let it out. Vent. Try to accept it. Or change it, but I'm not sure if you can do that." She licked down a paw. "Just one thing; next time, can you tell me if something's wrong? Even if you think it's dumb. If it's about this, then I'm here. Just, please don't get angry next time."

[Darkpaw]

Darkpaw nodded at Asterpaws words, but sort of cringed away from the thought of telling Loudpaw anything. Besides, even if he tried to hint at it, Loudpaw wouldn't get it cause he is very unobservant and doesn't try to find hidden meanings or notice small things like that. Then she went on about how she would end anyone who tried to hurt him for it and he gave her a lopsided grin, amused even though he knew she meant it.

"Okay, thanks. But I may be able to handle it, though I'll welcome the help." He meowed, grinning.

When she spoke about doubts, he sighed, nodding. Yeah he always doubted himself. Like ALL the time. No, he couldn't change who he was, but he could vent yeah and he guessed thats what he did when he got mad at Asterpaw.

"Yeah, I'll tell you next time. Promise." He meowed. "I wont get angry, I'll watch my emotions like I normally do..." He added, and gave a small reassuring smile. "Thank you Asterpaw, you are the best." He meowed in a small voice after a moment of quietness as they both seemed to absorb what had just been said. He felt very close to Asterpaw, and yeah though they were sibling this felt closer... more aware and tighter bond.

[Deleted]

Asterpaw nodded, letting her satisfaction show with a small smile. [g]"Good. Just making sure, brother."[/b] She had little doubt in his ability to defend himself (or, at the very least, being able to get away from a bad situation), but she needed him to know that she was still supportive.

Relief mixed in with pride as he made his promise. Although Asterpaw didn't view herself as the best cat to run to when dealing with emotional problems, she was glad all the same that Darkpaw trusted her with this. Who knows, maybe needing someone who wouldn't immediately gush or freak out was all he needed. "Well, I didn't say you needed to be stoic all the time. In fact, I've heard that yelling is a wonderful way to vent," She purred, "But, you know. Just, make sure you don't stay angry until you explode." It was a strange request, but she didn't know how else to word it.

The two siblings were left in silence, but it was a comfortable one. A thoughtful one. She held in a sigh, both surprised and glad that this had concluded in a fruitful way.

((do you want to continue the thread or end it here?))