Roleplay Check III

[Shadefrost]

The IceClan Nursery's Roleplay Thread
~ third installment ~

* I HIGHLY recommend that you visit Ivycloud's and Mike's threads prior to participating here. *

What is it?

The roleplay check thread was established somewhere around 2010 in an attempt to help new roleplayers improve before entering the apprentice stages of their characters' lives.

Here, you write a short paragraph of roleplay. Just a small sample. We will PM you with a critique and ideas for improvement. You may continue asking for help for as long as you'd like.

As well as the sample, you have the option to submit a simple biography of your character for practice. I strongly suggest you keep these once we coach you through the editing process. I shall provide an edit-able template below.

Quick request

In the past, we had problems with incredibly advanced roleplayers using this place as a gallery. This scared many members off. If you are very advanced and want a personal reply, OR if you are uncomfortable with submitting your sample on this thread, PM us. We don't bite.

Weekly Cleansing

This thread is cleaned once a week, on Friday, of posts. If you would like to keep your post, please save it elsewhere. Thank you. <3

Guidelines

• You do not have to make your post from your character's POV, but this is recommended for character development.
  
• Third-person is preferable to keep with the site's theme, but again, be creative.
  
• All site rules apply here. Keep it appropriate, please.
  
• The word MAXIMUM is 300. This is because we do have a hard time giving advice to everyone when everyone is making enormous posts.
  
• Don't be afraid. We're here to help. Even if you think you may be good enough, give it a try. You can only get better. <3
  
• You may pick from any of the prompts or make your own. Go wild!
  
• Templates are perfectly acceptable. You may also edit our existing bio template.

Pre-made Prompts
Feel free to submit one! You are not obligated to use any of these; feel free to make up your own. Just make sure it follows all of VWW's rules.

• A spider in the nursery!
  
• Someone took your toy.
  
• Listening to the elders' stories.
  
• Sisterly/brotherly relationships.
  
• Wildstar visits the kittens.
  
• _____cough?! (or any other illness)
  
• Nightmare
  
• A thorn in the bedding
  

Bio Template
This is a basic bio template. You may fill one of these out in addition to your prompt. You may use as many words as you like, but if it's an essay we will not grade too thoroughly due to lack of time.

Format it any way you'd like. Add, remove, tweak... go wild.

The Basics

Name: Your character's name here.
Age: Age in moons/seasons
Sex: Male or female
Clan: If you're posting here, IceClan.
Mother: Your mother. Must be an IceClan queen unless you have permission to do otherwise.
Father: Your father. Please get permission from the father AND your mother before this. Keep inter-Clan characters to a minimum.

Looks

Coat color: Self-explanatory. Please keep it realistic.
Eye color: Self-explanatory. Please keep it realistic.
Build: Lithe? Bulky? Chubby? Skinny? Frail?
Disabilities/Differences: If you use this field I suggest nothing lower than a master's in health. People rarely portray disabilities correctly and you will likely be turned down.
Overall appearance: A summary of a paragraph or more, generally.

Personality

Likes: What your character enjoys.
Dislikes: What your character does not enjoy.
Strengths: Be realistic. No one likes a stupidly amazing cat.
Weaknesses: These should outnumber the strengths. They should be traits that make your character dislikable in these areas.
Personality overview: A general overview, usually a paragraph or more, of your character's personality.

[Deleted]

(for now, I'm just going to do my sample. I'll do the short bio later)

On the outside, cats observing tiny Furzekit as she slept would think that he was fine. Lying still, no expression on her face, no movement. Just peaceful sleep. But on the inside, Furzekit's dreams were fille with darkness and turmoil. Furzekit has been having the same reaccuring dream for the past moon and a half, and it scares her. However, even in her sleep, she refused to show any emotion on the outside. She kept it all bottled up within. Furzekit was just about ready to burst...

The dream started like any other. Let's say that Furzekit is hunting a rabbit in the beginning, or eating prey, or swimming. Any activity along those lines. But suddenly, the peace and serenity of the intermission is interrupted by an ear-piercing screech, echoing all around her. Furzekit, everytime, would look around, head up. The scream would sound again, and that was when Furzekit's curiosity got the best of her and she would follow the screech. As she ran deeper and further from home, the world around her would become darks and foggy. And that's when she'd see it. Her mother, sprawled out across the ground, blood trickling off her body and to the ground as she twitched in a rock. Furzekit would scream her name, but Shadefrost would continue to twitch and eventually, the dream showed her mother's death.

Furzekit awoke with a gasp, navy eyes wide. Usually, things didn't scare her much. But tonight was the acception. Furzekit sat there, alone in her nest for a moment, before bursting into tears and giving into the dark fear rumbling inside of her.

[/blockquote]

(Obviously, I chose the nightmare prompt. Hope it's okay)

[Deleted]

Ravenkit flicked her tail as a small orange butterfly fluttered above her head. She jumped up with a soft paw outstretched, and tried to bat at it. She lost her balance on the land, the butterfly startled and flew away, and she landed on her side. She stood up, and shook out her fur. Her shoulder hurt from where she had landed, but she tried to shake that off.

No one was around, so she decided to go outside. She slipped through the entrance, and found herself in camp. she strolled through camp to a stream nearby, and lapped softly at the crisp, cool water. She heard a scream from behind her, and jumped. She slipped on the wet rocks and fell into the stream. She looked around.


Now for the bio, this will take a minute...
(edit: here we go)

The Basics

Name: Ravenkit
Age: 1 moon
Sex: Female
Clan: IceClan.
Mother: Shadefrost
Father: .

Looks

Coat color: Light silver-blue
Eye color: Deep silver
Build: Lithle, strong and small
Disabilities/Differences: Nope.
Overall appearance: A summary of a paragraph or more, generally.

Personality

Likes: Swimming, Hunting,
Dislikes: Heat, Cats who think that their way is the only right way
Strengths: Swimming, Fighting, Fishing
Weaknesses: Too much fighting, Land hunting, Cats putting too much pressure on her, Getting down from trees(she would climb waaay up high)
Personality overview: Raven is very mature for her age, though sometimes she can get very playful with others. She is easy to get along with, but she never forgets a face. She can track you down if you are mean to her, she will pay you back equally. An eye for an eye, a harsh tongue for harsh tongue. She is a very good fighter, and very much a daredevil. Her personality is very complex. It takes a long time to actually know her well.

:)

[Deleted]

Featherkit wasted her afternoon like any other kit in the nursery would—take a nap.

The tabby point child lay in her mother’s nest, preferring to sleep next to the silver-furred Queen rather than sleep on her own. Featherkit thought it felt more safe and warm. Her eyelids were shut, concealing her grey-blue optics. The steady, calm rise and fall of her chest indicated that she was in a deep, comfortable slumber.

But with the energy all cats have at her age, Feather slept a tad restlessly. Her paws kicked out into the air, and she moved from side to side. Her body rolled to one side. At the movement, her pelt snagged a thorn in the bedding, making her eyes shoot up at the stinging pain and shock. A whimper escaped her parted lips, the pain evident in her visage. Featherkit looked at her side, seeing a thorn sticking stubbornly to her left flank.

I don’t want to wake up mommy because of a thorn, she thought. I’ll just go to Brightflame and Waterheart! With her mind made up, the tiny child rose to her paws, cringing as the pain momentarily came back. Taking in a deep breath, Featherkit bravely marched out of the den, heading for the Medicine Cats’ Den.

[Deleted]

The Basics

Name: Ravenkit
Age: Four moons
Sex: Male
Clan: IceClan
Mother: Shadefrost
Father: ---

Looks

Coat color: Black
Eye color: Dark yellow, almost orange
Build: Bulky
Disabilities/Differences: n/a
Overall appearance: Ravenkit is a glossy black, a very dark black that of a raven. He has a somewhat medium length of fur, but it's always messed up. Very rarely is it groomed correctly. He's long-limbed, has a long tail, and is generally larger than average. Possibly larger than most toms. He easily towers over kits due to his large apprentice size. His paws are well-suited with his size, but three toes on his right foreleg are white. Otherwise all black. His eyes are a different story. While his pelt is as dark as the shadows themselves, his eyes are a fiery yellow, almost a blazing orange.

Personality

Likes: socializing, making others laugh, being with his friends, squirrels, swimming
Dislikes: running, bullies, arguing, being left out, mean cats
Strengths: his dreams, friends, and quick wit
Weaknesses: his size, clumsiness, emotionally unstable, and choice of words
Personality overview: Ravenkit is usually a cheerful tom, a conversation-starter and a humorous guy. Being extremely sociable and a water-lover, he can be a little smart-alecky when it comes to his quick wit. He won't tolerate bullying or arguing, it's possibly gonna make things worse if he's there. His dreams of being a good fighter drive him on, even if it will take a long time. He's also generally clumsy because of his large size, but if he gets to be a good fighter, Raven would be nimble, falling every now and then. He also has a sharp tongue, easy to insult someone without knowing it. Being emotionally unstable, his feelings are hurt easily and he is no doubt going to cry when someone else cries.

[Nightpaw]

The Basics

Name: Nightkit
Age: 5 moons,almost six moons
Sex: Male
Clan: IceClan.
Mother: Shadefrost
Father: Unkown


Looks

Coat color: night black with a few white speckles on chest,though they are faint
Eye color: dark blue
Build: Lithe
Disabilities/Differences: He doesnt play and get as wild as other ktis
Overall appearance: Nightkit is pretty lithe,though only his body shape.His eyes are usaully narrowed,his ears pinned.This kit likes to groom his black coat,it is prtty glossy and his fur is short


Personality

Likes: cats that listen to him,being alone,night,cloudy days,snow
Dislikes:happy go lucky cats,loud storms,loud kits
Strengths: He consdiers being quiet and listening a strengh.And sometimes he does that.He is quick sometimes
Weaknesses: very hot teper and when he tries he usaully ends up annoying someoe because he trys way to hard
Personality overview:Hes a grouch and lieks to be left alone.He likes kits that take time to actully size him up and lsiten to his problems.He gets to overdramatic sometimes and doesnt show his kind side to often,if there is one.

[poppytail]

The Basics
Name: Poppykit
Age: One moon
Sex: Female
Clan: IceClan
Mother: Ivycloud
Father: Unknown

Looks
Coat color: tanish with some stripes (signature
Eye color: brown
Build: Lithe
Disabilities/Differences: none
Overall appearance: Poppykit is a tan colored kit with a few brighter stripes. Her eyes are brown and she has a very leathe shape. She has no disablities or Diferences.


Personality
Likes: mice and voles
Dislikes: fish and squirrels
Strengths: caring and compassionate
Weaknesses:causes drama, stress, anxious, worried

[Deleted]

The Basics
Name: Sandykit
Age: 0 moons
Sex: Female
Clan: IceClan
Mother: Ivycloud
Father: Unknown

Looks
Coat Color: Sandy tan with brown-black stripes
Eye Color: Green
Build: Lithe
Disabilities/Differences Phobias of darkness and being alone.
Overall Appearance: Sandykit was named after her pelt. She has a very sandy colored pelt, some might consider it light brown or tan. Atop this sandy coat, lies stripes that are dark brown. These stripes cover her entire body except for her stomach. Her tiny eyes are a crystal green. Her build is very lithe and fast, despite her long fur and tail.

Personality
Likes: She likes making friends after getting over her shyness, eating mice, voles, and squirrels, and being in tight spaces as long as someone is with her.
Dislikes: She dislikes rabbits and fish, they seem slimy. She hates being in the dark and being along in tight spaces. She also hates wide end spaces like meadows and fields, she prefers forests with thick trees, or snowy mountains.
Strengths: She is very fast, and smart, as well as a quick learner.
Weaknesses: It is hard for her to make friends because she is very shy. She is afraid of the dark, so she might worry other cats. She also gets pressured for no reasons, and this stresses her out greatly.
Personality Overview: Sandykit likes to make friends, as long as they get along with her personality. She enjoys eating mice, voles, and squirrels. She also likes confined, closed spaces, as long as she is with someone else. She dislikes rabbits and fish. She also hates dark places, and being alone. She doesn't like wide open spaces, and prefers together spaces like forests. She is very fast and a quick learner, though gets pressured and is afraid of the dark.

[Deleted]

The Basics
Name: Gingerkit
Age: Maybe three moons?
Sex: She-cat
Clan: Iceclan
Mother: Rosedapple
Father: Unknown

Looks
Coat Color Pale ginger with a somewhat brighter face, tail and paws.
Eye Color: Hazel
Build: Lean, small
Disabilities/Differences: None
Overall Appearance: Being smell and thin, Gingerkit can easily hide within crooks and crannies hidden among the Iceclan camp. However, in daylight, it's rather hard to miss her. She has short pale ginger fur, that gets a bit darker around the face, paws and tail. She has almond-shaped eyes that are hazel in color. Unlike most of her clan-mates, Gingerkit doesn't really have strong legs and shoulders, which most Iceclanner would use to get around the mountain landscape of the territory. She'll probably grow more muscle once she becomes an apprentice, though.

Personality
Likes: Running, playing, talking, pranks, adventures, play fights, fish
Dislikes: Fights, thorns, thunder (only at night), nightmares, bratty kits
Strengths: Gingerkit's best strength is her speed. She claims to be (only claims IC) the fasted kit, and maybe cat, in all of Iceclan. Gingerkit is also fairly smart, and is good at finding good hiding and resting spots.
Weaknesses: Gingerkit is a bit impatient. She's also not the best climber or jumper, which may prove to be a problem seeing as how she lives in the mountains. Gingerkit is also a bit near-sighted, but that's not that major.
Personality Overview: Quick, witty, mischievous, all words to describe Gingerkit. She's very social, and has no issues with going up to a stranger and starting a conversation with them. Gingerkit is also a bit secretive about some things, including her pranks. While she loves and respects her clanmates, she has no problem with messing with them every so often for a good laugh, especially fellow kits.

Gingerkit has a little bit of trouble with her impatience, be it with other kits or herself. When she makes a mistake, especially with climbing or jumping, she gets a bit annoyed. This causes her to make more mistakes, which only puts her in a worse mood. As she gets older she'll probably grow out of that a little more, but she will always be a little impatient about things.

Role-play Example

Whitecough:

Gingerkit let out one small, slightly congested cough. She had started coughing earlier in the night, however then they had been far less frequent. Gingerkit knew in the back of her head that she should tell Rosedapple, or one of the other Queens. But she just couldn't force herself to get out of her nest and then try to wake up her mother.

Another cough, this time a bit louder. The little she-kit sat up in her mossy bed, eyes blinking away the sleepy boogers. She let out a small yawn, which was met by a quick, yet violent, coughing fit. With one final sigh, she padded over to her mother and poked her with one paw.

"Rosedapple, wake up. Come on, wake up. I'm sick." She whimpered, poking her mother in the cheek while she waited for her to get up. Her throat and chest both hurt, and she could feel something, probably mucus, in the back of her throat. She was not, by any means, have a good time tonight.

[Ravenkit]

The Basics
Name: Ravenkit
Age: 2
Sex: Male
Clan: Iceclan
Mother: Shadefrost
Father: Unknown


Looks
Coat color: Black
Eye color: Bright green eyes
Build: Skinny and small.
Disabilities/Differences: Nope
Overall appearance:

Ravenkit is quite small and always has been. He is skinny but not unhealthy. To be quite honest he was born the runt so he has his reasons. Now on to his fur, he has long scruffy pitch black fur. In the dead of night you would only be able to see the cat's lime green eyes.


Personality
Likes: Challenges, Games, Warriors, himself
Dislikes: loud cats, talking a lot, being enclosed in tight spaces, wasting precious time
Strengths: His determination, His plan to focus on only warrior training, his self-confidence, his speed.
Weaknesses: His ambition, his determined spirit, how he only thinks of himself, his size ( how is he suupposed to fight!), he gets annoyed easily and how he thinks most kits are too playful and less keen in their future then he is.
Personality overview:

Ravenkit is generally disliked. Most kit's find his attitude almost difficult to keep up with. Ravenkit is quite determined to make it to the top no matter what. He must try hard and not get distracted. He likes few games, only one stand out pretending to be warriors. Anyway, he would most likely be found trying to catch a glimpse of the Wildstar's den or hanging out with the warriors then in his own den playing games. He finds that most kit's are annoying and should be more like him. He likes to take charge in games.

Although most cats find him dis-likable there are few that might find the light in him. Ravenkit only likes the cats his age that are as focused and determined as him to become great. Those cats he might like.

Rp sample; I have picked that Wildstar has come to visit.

Ravenkit sat down in his nest waiting for something exciting to happen. He was bored and of course annoyed with all the kits who spoke too loudly or bombarded him with questions, like whats your name? or why are you not playing? Anyway he was sick and tired of the nursery. The kit sighed, took a deep breath and looked around with his bright green eyes. Many kits commented about them, but of course he couldn't care less what they thought, because he thought they where very cool. Ravenkit was about to shut his eyes when something clattered in the nursery.

The kit looked up from his nest to see a figure being surrounded by the nursery. He stood up to see what the ruckus was. As he approached he heard many voices. Now near the figure he pushed through the crowd while hearing many protests. Then what he saw made his jaw drop. His eyes widened. There stood the legendary figure Wildstar. Leader of Iceclan. The one cat he looked up to the most. Confidence seemed to be spelled all over her body. She stood there prideful just as he has imagined she would have looked. But all the kit's seemed to have pushed him back.

Ravenkit fought as hard as he could and he finally found himself at the front. He smiled proudly and Wildstar stared at him. He was awestruck. She looked down upon him and opened her mouth to speak, "You will be one of the finest." He remembered the feeling but then the room swirled. Twisted and he awoke with a jolt. It had been a dream a measly dream. But the words where still sounding in his head. He was confident they where true because the words glowed in his head. "You will be one of the finest."

(304 a bit over the limit but I got carried away)

[Deleted]

Sorry Tidekit!
IceClan's closed at the moment.
Can you try joining FireClan or RockClan?
The latter is in need of members and activity.

[Deleted]

The mother's thread is locked, so I'm posting here to say I'd like to join IceClan.

Name: Cheetahkit
Gender: Female

Appearance: A cream she-cat dotted with black leopard spots, and amber eyes.
Fur length: Short but fluffy

Personality: Stubborn, loyal, friendly.

RP sample:

Cheetahkit's tail flicked in delight, as the she-cat's amber gaze rested on a small robin. Instinctively the tiny she-kitten dropped into a crouch, and imitated the light steps of a warrior. Such a young cat had no hope of catching prey; and sure enough, Cheetahkit was easily detected by the robin. She could only watch in dismay as it took off into the air, gently guided by the chilly mountain breezes.

[Bluesky]

Jul 23, 2013 8:51:40 GMT -6 Cheetahpaw said:

The mother's thread is locked, so I'm posting here to say I'd like to join IceClan.

Name: Cheetahkit
Gender: Female

Appearance: A cream she-cat dotted with black leopard spots, and amber eyes.
Fur length: Short but fluffy

Personality: Stubborn, loyal, friendly.

RP sample:

Cheetahkit's tail flicked in delight, as the she-cat's amber gaze rested on a small robin. Instinctively the tiny she-kitten dropped into a crouch, and imitated the light steps of a warrior. Such a young cat had no hope of catching prey; and sure enough, Cheetahkit was easily detected by the robin. She could only watch in dismay as it took off into the air, gently guided by the chilly mountain breezes.

Hi, Cheetahkit! The reason the mothers' thread is locked is because IceClan is currently closed for joining, but you're more than welcome to join FireClan or RockClan.

[Deleted]

Ok, sorry. But it says on the front page that IceClan is open?

[Deleted]

I got permission from Darkstar to be recycled. This account used to be Mosskit.

Name: Nightkit
Gender: female
Personality: intelligent and rebellious; wants to explore the world.
Appearance: a lean and hard-muscled sleek black she-cat with brilliant amber eyes.


Clan: IceClan
Mother: Shadefrost