Grief [p]

[Natalia]

Patch

Natalia stared blankly at the water's rippling surface as she washed her paws in the river, the blood of her best friend having been carried away on a gentle current hours ago. She swallowed, her body slumping into laying on the river bank. She shifted onto her side and curled up, as tight as she could, into a ball.

Jude was dead.

She didn't want to believe it... But she wasn't the type to deny such things like this. He was dead. She would never see his smile, she would never hear him again. He was gone. He wasn't coming back. Yet another cat who had walked out on her life. Except... This hurt so much more. After Thomas had left her when she was a kit, she had hardened her heart. She had been determined to never let another cat to get close enough to hurt her like that... Or for her to hurt another. Yet, it happened anyways. She'd been starting to think... Maybe her reserved, suspicious ways weren't the best.

Then her heart had been ripped out and stomped on.

She'd been worried about him, not having seen him in such a long time... Only to discover his body, long since gone cold, mangled and distorted. He'd been killed by rats and parts of his flesh had been missing, clearly the rats seeing fit to feast on her closest friend's corpse. She'd screamed. She'd cried until she couldn't. His body held no warmth, she had checked. Even in face of the facts, she had to check if he was well and truly dead. 

He was.

It had taken a few hours, but she'd managed to regain her composure long enough to bury him, in a spot near his den. The least she could do was put him in the ground, where he wouldn't have his remains be further destroyed by those stupid scavengers that hung around. He wasn't fresh-kill. He wasn't. He was so much more and he deserved better.

These were the things she'd told herself angrily between sobs as she had carried his body.

Then she'd gone to the river to wash his blood off her paws. It'd been two hours since she'd come to the river. It had felt like the blood would never wash out of her paws... Despite having already done so. It felt like a stain she couldn't scrub out.

True, she didn't kill him with her own claws.

But the fact remained: She hadn't been there for him. She'd never even known he was in danger in the first place. She should've been there. 

She could've saved him. If only she'd been there...

He wouldn't have had to die. She was sure of this.

She'd stopped crying at this point. Now she felt... Empty, if she was being honest.

She didn't feel much of anything.

Natalia was too caught up in her thoughts of apathy and self-loathing to notice a familiar face approaching.

[Patch]

Patch wasn't having much of an interesting day so far, only hunting and a nap. Deathclan had been calm in her eyes, she liked it, to be honest. Too bad that was going to change quickly.

The white and black she-cat carried on her way towards Natalia's place, hoping for at least a conversation. Instead, she found her friend crying. Lost in thought, she looked. Patch was only slightly concerned until she noticed the smallest hint of red on Natalia's fur.

What the hell had happened..?

Patch's green eyes widened and she rushed over to the tabby. "Natalia! What's wrong!?" She asked. She couldn't shake off the feeling of fear and grief overwhelming her.

[Natalia]

((.... WELL clearly the damage around Patch's eyes haven't affected her eyesight in the least 

Patch: *noticed smallest hint of red on Natalia's fur*

Natalia: *is literally a red furred tabby*))

Natalia hadn't noticed the tears still falling. She lifted her and looked over at Patch with a blank expression. After hours of crying and muttered angry words to herself... She was... Tired. Too tired to even feel much of anything aside from a vague aching in her chest.

"... I'm fine." She murmured quietly, looking away. 

[Patch]

((VWW Logic. Bella says plot device.

Patch only grew more concerned. "Nat... No you're not! I'm not stupid." She said, lowering her ears. Why would Natalia be crying if something wasn't wrong!? "Please tell me what's wrong!" She asked again, a hint of desperation in her voice. Should she leave the tabby alone..? No, Patch had to support her.

[Natalia]

((also *cough* they're by the riverbank, not her den ^_^'

Natalia hung her head. She really didn't want to talk about it, she gently shook her head. But, still.... "He's dead." She whispered quietly. She could hear the desperation in Patch's voice, but... Why was she so worried? She wasn't the one who was dead. Why was she the one who garnered concern here?

[Patch]

((Diddily darn crap I can't read.

Patch's breath stopped for a second. She felt a massacre of emotions. "Who!?" She asked, her eyes looked more widened. She nudged Natalia's head with her nose and quieted down. "Sorry for shouting... Do you need me to get anything for you..?" She wanted to help, but she didn't know how to do it.

[Natalia]

((It's okay. I am very tired these days and my tongue slips. A lot.

Natalia's ears lowered as Patch shouted, almost sounding angry. Then the other she-cat nudged her, and the tabby turned to look at her... Ally with eyes that seemed almost dead. "... There's nothing that will fix this." She murmured. "Nothing is going to bring him back."


((Also asdfghjkl; I feel Patch's frustration. I kind of want Nat to just SAY it's Jude who died, but Nat is... Kind of difficult and stubborn. Weh.))

[Patch]

((Patch is the most confusing character to roleplay as for me omfg. I swear I feel like I'm giving her BPD just from utter confusion.

Patch clenched her teeth together, her eyes narrow. She didn't want to shout, but she was getting impatient with such an important subject as to who the hell died. She almost freaked out at the deadness in Natalia's eyes. "Natalia, who died? I'm not trying to sound rude, but I'm very concerned." She murmured.

[Natalia]

((BPD...? Strangely enough, I find Natalia easier to RP. I think it's because I RP her personality type a LOT. More than I do others... Usually.))

Natalia gently shook her head. She could sense Patch's distress... The tabby guessed her ally wasn't leaving until she got answers. She wondered if they were just allies at this point. Up until now, Natalia only thought of Jude as her friend.... Maybe....

Well. Best to get it done and over with. "Jude... He's gone."

[Patch]

((Borderline Personal Disorder. And I kinda just realized how many sorta aggressive cats you RP oml

Patch couldn't breathe for a bit. As soon as she heard his name, she stopped dead cold in still movement for a minute or two. She then stepped a tail-length away from Natalia and sat, trying to figure out how to react.

She chose anger. "Jude died!? Just when we get on the slightest bit of good terms, and I even start to respect him! Why is there so much pain in this Starclan-forsaken clan! No, this isn't even a clan, it's a one way ticket to trauma town!" She shoved her paws to her head.

[Natalia]

((What do you mean "sort of aggressive"

Natalia's lowered ears raised a bit, seeing Patch's distress spike. She... Wasn't sure where Jude and the black-white she-cat's relationship had been when he'd... Regardless, last she checked they had a rather antagonistic relationship. 

Then Patch exploded. She ranted on and on about them apparently beginning to make amends, and then cursing the pain that existed in Deathclan. She growled under her breath and shut her eyes tightly, looking at the ground. "Don't disrespect the dead." She hissed quietly. Then she exhaled. "... It's a psuedo-clan. It's not its fault I wasn't there for him, anyways."

[Patch]

((I phrased that wrong didn't I? A couple of the cats you RP have some hostility somewhere. Brightpaw, Freezefeather, Roselightning .u.

Patch managed to claw a bit of her head as she set her paws down. She fell silent and turned her head to stare at her ally. "I'm not trying to disrespect the dead... Jude just didn't deserve this. And you don't have anything to do with his death, either, you didn't kill him." She took deep breathes and dug her claws into the ground. "At least he can relax in Starclan now, it's peaceful there."

[Natalia]

((Ehh... Freezefeather isn't really violent. Featherfrost is though, because he's kind of angry, doesn't like people much, and gets off on making other's upset. Rosie and Bright both have good hearts... But they do get kind of hostile easily. For Bright, it's actually pretty much geared 100% towards Aloe and Almond. ALSO IT'S CLOUDCLAN

Natalia didn't see Patch claw her head. There was no blood to be smelled, so she couldn't smell it either. She swallowed. "... I don't believe in Cloudclan. But... I hope wherever he is... He can rest." She whispered, her eyes opening again somewhat. She shakily took a deep breath. She didn't really believe Patch, about Natalia being guilt-free. But... She knew better than to argue. 

No one needed to know about the true depths of her self-loathing.

[Patch]

Patch sighed and opened her mouth to correct Natalia, but she quickly stopped. Natalia had her beliefs and Patch had hers. "I'm sure he'll find peace, we all do, I suppose." The Deathclanner lowered her ears and reluctantly continued to talk, "What caused it?" She sheathed and unsheathed her claws. She heard a small whisper to calm down, but she ignored it. Patch continued by digging out a small chunk of dirt.

[Natalia]

Natalia shrugged. "... We can only hope." She whispered. The longer this conversation dragged on, the more she felt like simply curling up somewhere she could waste away in peace. "... Rats." She hissed. "He deserves better, he deserved so, so much better."