loving someone -- private

[Willowspirit]

Stormsong

Willowpaw had no desire to be anywhere near any of her clan-mates, specifically Aloepaw, Brightpaw, Almondpaw, or Mudpaw. The only cats she spent any time with. How interesting, that everyone she had prolonged exposure to, ended up disliking her. There had to be something broken in her, nothing else made sense. Something inside her made her unwanted and unlovable, maybe it was that no cat could understand her. If Brightpaw understood, she wouldn't have reacted the way she did.

The territory was not a suitable place to avoid the others, as she knew Brightpaw spent most of her time there, and going there would only increase her chances of running into her. Willowpaw didn't want to see the look of disgust on Brightpaw's face, it would just make her angry. She'd want to kill her. Willowpaw could've killed Mudpaw, so she felt fairly sure that she could beat Brightpaw, and kill her. Willowpaw didn't want to do that, she didn't want to turn into a killer, but how else was she was supposed to react, when no one had treated her like she mattered, her entire life?

Willowpaw approached the Fireclan border, and without hesitation, she kept going. Even Brightpaw wouldn't cross the border, meaning that she was safe here. 

She kept going until the border was no longer in sight, finding herself in a woody area. Willowpaw stopped and sat down, taking a look at her surroundings. 

[Stormsong]

Stormsong wasn't sure what had brought him here. He'd spent entire seasons away from Fireclan, yet his paws had carried him to the border. He'd been gone so long, that he apparently had cousins now. Cousins that were just about adult at this point. His heart ached at having been gone so long. There was also the substantial problem that still... Still Hazelpaw wasn't a warrior. He knew how much it had meant to her. He hadn't seen her since he'd come back, but... He was scared. He was genuinely scared. No one had noticed him come home. He almost wanted to scream.

It seemed like no one had missed him after all. But...

He couldn't leave again. Fireclan was his home. Being gone so long had taught him how much this place had meant to him, despite the lack of affection from his family. Well, reciprocated affection anyways. He still... He still didn't particularly feel enthusiastic about talking to Birdheart again. Whenever she'd see him before he'd left, she'd practically try to suffocate him which... He didn't really like all too much. She barely made attempts to reach out to her kids and then... What did she expect?

He wasn't mad. Just... Disappointed he supposed.

Anyways, here he was near the border Fireclan shared with Treeclan. He noticed a silvery she-cat cross the border. He blinked and his eyes widened. He wasn't sure what her name was... But apparently this was one of his cousins. He dashed over to the edge of the border, so he wouldn't trespass as well.

"Hey! Where are you going?" He cried out, he winced at the edge of desperation in his tone.

((.... uhhh i don't think you're supposed to randomly cross the border. Also Stormy is FC too so....))

[Willowspirit]

((yeah, i meant that she went past the edge of fireclan territory, not into treeclan, but more like how leafpool and crowfeather went past the windclan border into non-clan territory in the books. i put trees there bc. why not, we don't know what's actually like and a change of scene is nice.))


Willowpaw was feeling like she could relax for the first time in ages, though she was still far from content. The previous few hours kept running through her head, and she didn't understand why things had happened the way they did. She kneaded at the frosty ground directly beneath her paws, not digging up too much dirt, but doing enough to help calm herself down. Perhaps she would spend the night here, and then return to camp, with no harm done. If she were going to leave for good, Willowpaw would at least want to have her warrior name first.

Hearing another cat, she turned her head to see a stranger, who looked very concerned. He must be a Fireclan cat, since he was staying inside of the border, but she didn't recognize him. "I just needed some air." Willowpaw flicked her tail, looking around.

"I'm not doing any harm." She said, a hint of annoyance in her voice. Even if she had been up to no good, it wasn't this toms place to try to call her out on it, she wasn't in the mood.

Willowpaw narrowed her two-colored eyes at him. "What's it to you, anyways?" Still sore and injured from her fight with Mudpaw, Willowpaw decided that it would be best to avoid any physical fights. She wasn't that confident in her abilities.

[Stormsong]

Heterochromia and a snappish, bitter voice reminded Stormsong terribly of his sister Hazelpaw.

Despite the cruel words and attitude she threw at him always, he loved her. She was his sister, and surely it was always him that messed up. He was the reason he didn't really... Didn't really have friends.

"There's fresh air inside Fireclan's borders...." He tried, though he wasn't sure he was being heard. His green eyes were wide with concern.

His ears folded back. "I'm just... You seem upset. Harm to yourself is still harm." He tried again. He wasn't trying to criticize her and tried to convey that in his voice. He was genuinely concerned and he wanted to help....

But like always, he didn't know exactly how.

Then his eyes widened. "Are you injured...?!" 

[Willowspirit]

"Not for me, there isn't." Willowpaw grumbled, looking at the ground. She didn't want to explain how the territory felt unsafe at the moment, how the familiarity of it sickened her. This cat wouldn't understand, he would only think she was overreacting, or something like that.

She looked at him suspiciously, not caring if she came off as hostile or not. It was strange to her that he cared about her state, mentally and physically; she'd met friendly cats before, but they didn't really care about her, and Willowpaw brushed those interactions off as being simple, polite conversation.

Willowpaw would usually let out a sigh of despair and explain what was the matter, but her confrontation with Brightpaw had left her far too shaken for that. She shrugged, "Yes, I am hurt." Her injuries still ached, but they didn't bother her. 

"But I hurt someone else, so it doesn't matter."

[Stormsong]

Stormsong's ears folded back. It seems that Fireclan didn't feel quite like home to his cousin as it did for him. He wondered if that was because of the whole, you don't know what you have until it's gone. He'd felt that most keenly in his absence from Fireclan.

His green eyes shimmered with sympathy and worry, at the suspicious looks he was being given. What had happened to lead to her giving such looks? Well... It's not like he and his siblings were the paragons of mental health... But he didn't think they'd ever gotten this bad.

"It matters because you're still hurt." He whispered. Then he realized he'd never introduced himself. "Ah... I'm Stormsong. I think we're cousins...?"

[Willowspirit]

Willowpaw was still waiting for the other boot to drop and for this cat to turn on her. He seemed normal enough at the moment, but he could be hiding his malevolent side, or be friends with someone particularly awful. Because apparently, it was alright to be friends with a bully as long as they're nice to you.

"Stormsong? I've never heard of you. I suppose we could be cousins, though. My parents are Pinyondapple and Hazelclaw." Willowpaw had never bothered to get to know any cats that she hadn't met in her kithood, since she spent all of her time training instead of socializing.

She decided to introduce herself as well, out of polite habit. "My name is Willowpaw,"  The silvery she-cat licked her chest, which was somewhat ruffled. "You don't need to worry about me, I'm completely alright.'

[Stormsong]

((asdfghjkl; Willow.... I feel really bad for her but I also am just LIKE wouldn't you hang onto a friend like a life preserver if they seemed to be the only person who was nice to you? Like ever???

Stormsong's eears twitched uncertainly upward. "My mom's Birdheart. Hazeclaw is her brother." He explained, sounding somewhat awkward. He could hear the guarded attitude conveyed in her words. He didn't want to push her into anything but... It was the slightest bit frustrating when you were trying to help and the person wouldn't let you.

He gave a nervous smile. ".... It's almost like talking to a mirror..." He murmured under his breath, just barely, faintly audible. Then he cleared his throat and spoke up, talking in an actual conversational volume. "It's nice to meet you. But... You seem hurt. In... More ways than you seem like. I... I know a little about that." He sighed and shuffled his paws.

"You know, I only came home recently. I... I ran away. I didn't think anyone would miss me. No one noticed me coming back, so I don't think they ever did."

He never learned to close his heart off. He was hoping perhaps if he exposed some of his inner thoughts she'd chance a bit of trust with him.

[Willowspirit]

((yeah LIKE.. i totally understand brightpaw, but also willows feeling aren't unreasonable, but also ive been in bright's situation of having a problematic friend and oh boyy.. yeah i dont blame her.))

Willowpaw nodded her head, listening to the tom. It unsettled her that he hadn't shunned her or attacked, and instead, he seemed to care about her, even sympathize with what she'd been through. She didn't like the idea that any other cat had to live a life as miserable as hers, no one deserved to be this unhappy.

Her ears flicked in surprise as she heard that he'd even ran away. Although Willowpaw hated her life, she could not imagine completely abandoning Fireclan, it was her home. Well, she wouldn't leave it permanently. At the moment, the silver she-cat just needed some space that Fireclan territory couldn't provide.

"What happened to you?" Willowpaw did her best not to let her concern show, she had to do better at controlling her emotions. And she still didn't know this Stormsong, it was completely possible that he wasn't as kind as he seemed.

[Stormsong]

((This situation is far from black and white and it's just a huge mess oh jeez.))

Stormsong's ears folded back. He sighed. ".... I... I'm not entirely sure myself. I've... Never really had friends. I had my sister, Frostedsky. Never got as close to my other siblings than with her." He shook his head gently. He sighed.

"But then... I started thinking. My sister... Hazelpaw... She was so... Angry at me. Now that I think back on it, maybe I overreacted." He even looked sheepish. "But... I did my best to support her. I loved her, she was my sister. But... She got angry when I became a warrior before her." He shook his head gently. "Apparently she wanted to have her warrior ceremony first... And alone. She didn't get her wish." He sighed. "I think she still hates me for taking that chance away from her."

Tears began to form at the corner of his eyes, remembering the pain he'd felt. He wiped the tears away with a paw. "Hah... My troubles must seem kind of stupid. They look that way to me... Maybe it's because I'm older but it seems kind of like I was being an idiot back then."

[Willowspirit]

Willowpaw stared at him with wide eyes, unsure how to react. He was right, his troubles didn't sound that bad, but perhaps that was because she wasn't around to experience it.

"..Well, as a kit, none of my siblings liked me. I didn't like any of them either, though. There was Brightpaw, and Almondfire, and Aloepaw, and this other cat, Mudpaw." Willowpaw began to tell her story, the words tumbling out of her mouth before she could think about it.

"Almondfire, Aloepaw, and Mudpaw bullied me, really badly.. So I trained to be able to prove myself to them. Me and even Brightpaw were even gonna take down Almondfire and Aloepaw together.. But then I got in a fight with Mudpaw, and I hurt him.. He admitted afterwards that he deserved it, and he'd been awful, but it didn't make me feel any better."

Willowpaw licked her shoulder, tasting blood. "But Brightpaw and Mudpaw are friends, somehow. And when she found out.. She wouldn't listen. We both hurt each-other, but my pain didn't matter to her, only his. It didn't matter to her that I was standing up for myself, that I had to fight him, or things never would've gotten better! ..She wouldn't understand, Mudpaw's her friend. Brightpaw doesn't know what it's like to be really, truly alone."

"So.. I'm alone, and miserable. I have no friends, and how I feel doesn't matter." Willowpaw summed up, lowering her head.

[Stormsong]

((I NEVER NOTICED YOUR REPLY AAAAA

Stormsong listened to Willowpaw's story with the attention it deserved. A story that must be heard, lest it be bottled up and explode in anger sometime later... Which sort of happened to him. He didn't tell much of anyone of his troubles and he'd ended up freaking out and running away....

His younger cousin described her struggles with bullying, from her siblings and from one outside her family. It was... Different from his own story. His own family had started out... Nice. His own siblings had loved each other from the start. They'd been family. Then things started falling apart as they grew older, plagued by insecurity and the anger that arose because of it.

His expression saddened as Willowpaw's story took a turn for the worst, the silvery tabby rambling about her woes about the lack of understanding from her sister, how she didn't understand the loneliness. He bit his lip. He knew what being alone was. He'd been alone for an entire seasonal cycle in Twolegplace, completely... Entirely... Homesick. He'd been miserable, but he hadn't gone home in all that time.

"How you feel always matters...." He murmured. ".... We're already family, but... I'd like to be your friend."

((Stormy is my lonely pitiful couch potato. HE'S ACTUALLY A DECENT GUY MOSTLY))

[Willowspirit]

"..I don't know." Willowpaw looked down at the ground. She didn't feel that Stormsong had any right to care about her, he was still a stranger. And when he did get to know her, he wasn't going to like her, and it was cocky of him to think otherwise.

Though, she couldn't completely ignore the feelings of sympathy she felt for the tom. From the look on his face, and the quiet way he spoke, it felt as though there was a great deal of pain and unhappiness still lingering in his life from his ordeal with his siblings, even if they weren't as extreme as Willowpaw's.

"I don't think you mean that." The tabby mewed pessimistically, still not meeting his gaze. "You aren't going to like me. I mean, don't you already think that I'm whiny? I've been complaining an awful lot." 


((it's okay!! i had some stuff going on all weekend, and i haven't had a lot of freetime.))

[Stormsong]

(([SLAMS FACE INTO DESK] school and homework is KILLING MY MUSE aaaaAAAAAA))

Stormsong blinked. He was about to say something, but he decided to wait to see if Willowpaw would elaborate. Still, he couldn't help his mind wandering. Did Willowpaw not want someone like him for a friend? Maybe there was something wrong with him and she could see it in him...

Or maybe he was being ridiculous again. Being left alone with his thoughts so long, with such a lack of outside influence on his thoughts... He couldn't tell if his thoughts weren't normal or him being ridiculous...

"... I do. I mean it." He said quietly. "I do like you so far. You seem like you needed to vent." He'd never told his real troubles to anyone, not even Frostedsky. His deep seated insecurities he couldn't explain why he couldn't let go of them.

He sighed. "I ran away when things got tough. I think you've got a right to complain."

[Willowspirit]

Willowpaw didn't want to reject him, she desperately ached for someone to talk to, she needed a friend, someone who would actually support and understand her, and someone that she could relearn kindness from.

She tried to keep her expression neutral, and calm the storm whirling in her head. "Well, you're being very nice, and I don't think that you're a liar.." Willowpaw spoke honestly, choosing each word with the up most caution.

"And I don't blame you for running away, you certainly turned out better than I did." She said, bitter towards herself. Every choice that Willowpaw made was the wrong one, furthering her descent into being a cruel, violent, and heartless she-cat. "I just.. I don't think that it's going to work out. I'm bad. All I do is hurt cats, emotionally and physically."

((same, ive been kinda inactive the past few days and i feel terrible about it ;A;))